October 12, 2009

By scooter

WASHINGTON, D.C. – “We have an undying responsibility to uphold peace,” The President said this week at the Dry Gap Convention, a peace initiative created in order to settle the ongoing Kitty Konflict. President Obama headed a coalition of thirty-two nations in the effort. “We all know that Ninja’s got a peaceful heart,” Obama iterated, “and we are well-aware that Lionelle has the sensitivity to end this violent affair.”

As of yet, however, neither feline has delivered an official response. Aides close to Ninja relate that he is in no way ready to concede the fight, and the same can be speculated for Lionelle. The President, however, was hopeful that an end can be reached and a treaty can be drawn together. “I believe that a conflict is never unsolvable,” he said in front of a largely diverse crowd. “I believe that we are one people, we are one planet, and Ninja and Lionelle share the same dreams of equality, and this war can be brought to a swift conclusion.”

Jeff L. Horner, the prominent Kitty Konflict historian, was skeptical of The President’s resolve. “He was expected to make the remarks he did,” Horner stated, “but this is not the United States in election year. This is Ninja and Lionelle, and when it comes to them, all bets are off.” For now, both cats are heavily entrenched in their respective strongholds: Ninja at Study Window and Lionelle on The Porch.

Neither feline has engaged in a major operation for a matter of weeks now, but it is clear that this inaction is merely the calm before the storm. “They will fight again,” Duncan Harryman, longtime Ninja ally speculated. “Perhaps, it will be as I believe: sooner than later.”

Over the weekend, officials announced that President Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. While pundits and critics of the administration are debating whether the President is deserving of such an honor, many believe that the Nobel committee was swayed by his action in the Kitty Konflict. Whether or not it will end the Konflict, however, only the two cats can decide.

An aide-de-camp to Lionelle stated that she is willing to hold her ground on The Porch for as long as it takes, and if Ninja continues his aggression, she will be forced to defend herself. Many experts, however, believe that Lionelle’s army is floundering. She has been witnessed recently urinating and defecating outside of her designated litter area. “This is usually the beginning of the end for a feline operation,” one note war historian noted. “Lionelle is showing symptoms of extreme duress, and this anxiety will eventually suck the morale from her forces.”

President Obama, as usual, displayed an unwavering optimism regarding a future resolution. “We are standing at an epic precipice,” the President said. “Today, we wake up in a world full of violence, and we observe two felines in a bloody struggle for supremacy. But tomorrow, we do not have to wake up in such a world. Tomorrow, there can be peace.” Lionelle, however, had a different opinion. “Tomorrow,” she said, “I plan to eat some grass.”