In a strange (but unconcerning) incident, a Wisconsin man's feces took the shape of Washington.

MADISON, Wisc. — “It really wasn’t that unbelievable,” Buck Downer, a local bricklayer said. “I just looked down, and there it was. No coincidence at all.” What Downer referred to was his recent defecation experience, which rendered an unlikely result: a turd that resembled the state of Washington exactly.

Along with Downer, respected doctors at the University of Wisconsin are also unconcerned with the “Evergreen Poop”, the local name given to the feces.

“It’s no real secret,” Dr. Tressell Cringe, M.D., said. “The entire nation knows where Washington State originally came from. And aside from a major stink, there’s not much there.”

The only thing that seems to interest anybody is the sheer accuracy of the turd. Not only was the turd molded in the geographic shape of Washington, but it included labeled geologic landmarks as well. Also, instead of coming out the traditional brown, it was a kaleidoscope of colors, all corresponding to the topographic layout of the state.

Downer claims that this is not the first time something like this has happened. “I once puked the perfect shape of the Space Needle,” he said.

This tidbit may say it all: the Space Needle is merely vomit, but the State of Washington is complete crap. While the state floated on the glassy surface of the water, Downer stated that he did “stare at it for a moment” before “flushing it down”.

“I now have to clean the bowl,” he said. “The state left a nasty residue that could take hours to scrub off.”

Following Downer’s revelation, “Evergreen Poop” reports poured in from across the country describing similar instances of Washington being passed through the anus. Reports of the smells produced are too horrible to publish, but it has been confirmed that one man in Idaho literally sliced off his nose in the hope of not smelling Washington again. The reports also confirmed Downer’s anxiety over the bowl residue.

“Washington is a tough crap to get rid of,” Dr. Cringe said. “It stains and soils and drives one crazy. But with enough persistence, it can be washed away.” Cringe paused for a moment and wiped his glasses. “Hopefully,” he said. “Hopefully, it can be washed away.”

Similar reports have surfaced describing instances of Washington being passed through to a toilet.

The air quality is so bad in Seattle that downtown is barely visible.

SEATTLE, Wash. – A recent report indicated that the air quality in Washington State is far worse than any other state. The air is so bad, in fact, that many researchers have declared that the air is better in Hell than in the Evergreen State.

Why the air is so bad is actually not much of a mystery. “It’s Washington,” one renowned researcher said. “Everything is bad. Why shouldn’t the air be bad too?” Washington is known for its overcast haziness, but with this new report, it can safely be said that the cloudiness is certainly related to the poor air.

The barely breathable environment is also responsible for the disfigured appearance of most Washington citizens. “If there’s anything closer to a zombie than a Washingtonian,” Jeff L. Horner, BHL virtuoso said, “I don’t know what it is.” Considering most Washingtonians are characterized by hideousness, it is of no wonder that the populous sold the coveted Space Needle to the dreamy Jonas Brothers.

Appeals are indubitably expected later in the week. These appeals, however, are expected to come from Hell rather than Washington. “I can’t believe our home would even be compared to Washington,” the Devil’s spokesperson said following the report. “It is an insult to what we’ve tried to build here. To compare us to that cesspool of a state is an insult to our minimal cleanliness.”

Tourists to the Evergreen State (if there are any) are advised to don HAZMAT suits.

Jeff L. Horner commented, “You know you’re state’s bad when even Hell doesn’t want to be in the same sentence with it.” Perhaps it is lucky for the rest of the nation that Congressional officials have voted to erect a giant wall around Washington. Some, however, say that the wall doesn’t go far enough. “What Washington needs is a bubble around it,” one congressman said. “I should be like that new Stephen King book. That would be the only real way of keeping the filth from infected the rest of the country.”

All of Seattle celebrated the Jonas Brothers' arrival.

SEATTLE – Early this week, Seattleites welcomed Paul, Nick and Joseph Jonas to their new home, the Space Needle. Also revealed was the fact that a deal had been in the works for several weeks securing Seattle’s most precious monument for its favorite band. “We are a very proud city,” Mayor Greg Nickels stated Monday morning. “Those three Jonases needed a new home, and considering what big fans we are of their music, it’s a no-brainer to give them the Space Needle.”

The landmark was given a facelift to cater to the three boys’ faces. The new design was revealed at a weekend festival to thunderous applause from the Seatown faithful. “I think it’s a vast improvement,” one local resident claimed. “All of us in Seattle believe the Jonases to be the epitome of perfection, so when their faces adorn the Needle, it makes it a little closer to perfection as well.”

It appears that the Brothers will, as promised, shoot a new Disney series within the confines of the Space Needle.  “The show is going to be success,” a renowned television producer said. “Granted, Seattle is a downtrodden, dirty city, but with the Jonases residing there, they will bring its grime-infested streets a little uplift.”

At the festival, Seattleites held hands and danced around the Space Needle as the boys were taken to the top. The stinging lyrics of “Lovebug” could be heard all the way in Tacoma, a town that also heralded the Jonas Brothers’ arrival. The rest of America is slowly learning about the Northwest’s strange obsession with the Jonas Brothers, but with the Space Needle being dedicated to them, residents all across the country now know that Seattle is the land of Jonas.

“I simply don’t understand it,” Jeff L. Horner, The Blue House Lives’s senior landmark correspondent said. “The Space Needle seemed a unique symbol of a potentially great region of the world. Now, however, we know the truth. Seattleites will do anything to catch a glimpse of the Jonases. And with Mount Rainier’s drug problems, the region is on a downward spiral.”

The Space Needle's new design was unveiled.

Seattleites, and all Washingtonians for that matter, disregard criticism from other parts of the country. They hold true to their beliefs that the Jonas Brothers are the world’s greatest band and their music a gift from God. It has even been said that Seattleites adore the Jonas Brothers more than they do coffee. Now, with the renovation of the Space Needle and the Jonases’ new home there, The Emerald City can declare its love of all things Jonas to the world.