An early morning image of the snow that buried the House over the weekend.

BLUE HOUSE — As snow pummeled the East Coast this weekend, the Subaru SVX, with its touted all-wheel drive system, sat quietly in the garage. The vehicle had once been praised for its winter weather versatility, but following this weekend’s storm, many experts believe that it may be all hype.

M.C. Fox still stands as the number-one promoter of the SVX. “It could handle the snow and ice,” he said. “It just hasn’t had its chance.”

That chance came this weekend, as the second snowstorm of the season pounded the Blue House and the surrounding cityscape. And yet, the car remained stationary, its mythic speculations frozen to mere delusions.

The SVX found its way to Fox earlier in the year, and since its introduction, conjectures regarding its all-wheel drive system have led to many myths concerning the vehicle’s ability. It was once thought that is could blaze through sabulous deserts and cruise over frigid glaciers. It was even once contemplated whether the car could rove on the moon. But those beliefs are now questioned to say the least. Being a no-show for not one but two snowstorms has diminished the car’s reputation.

“No one doubts that it’s a rare car and should be treasured,” Jeff L. Horner, House resident, said, “but we now have to question whether it is simply a showpiece and nothing more.”

M.C. Fox, however, is as implacable as ever. “She could drive in the snow,” he said. “It was Christmas, though. Why would she want to get out of the warm garage on Christmas? She should have eaten turkey and opened presents is what she should have done. I have no doubts that she could handle the snow. Besides, she’s white, and snow is white, which means they were made for each other.”

Colors aside, the fact remains: the snow is melting, and the SVX remains idle. “It better do something,” Horner said. “Speculations can only go so far. Sometimes, a little action is warranted, and so far, I’ve seen nothing.”

Snow is blinding Knoxvillians and causing mass hysteria.

KNOXVILLE – It is what every kid dreams for in the whimsical month of December: snow. Lots and lots of snow. Today, Knoxvillian children everywhere got their wish, as bleach white snow trickled down to cover Mom and Dad’s windshield early this morning. Blue House members Leelee, Scooter, and Nichole were among the first to witness this joyous, yet dangerous occasion. As an experienced snow dweller from the Great Northwest, Nichole forewarns of the catastrophic events that soon follow snowfall. There is the dreaded black ice hiding on the roads, the fear of depleting food supplies, the running out of the toilet paper, not having a North Face or Columbia winter jacket, and the blackout. But there are many precautionary steps one can take to soften the blow of these hard times to follow.

The first rule is to stockpile as many groceries as one can.

A.)  Go to your local grocery store and buy everything in sight. You never know how long you’ll be stuck in the house.

B.)  Top off your car, whether you plan on driving or not, it’s just a good idea.

C.)  Stock up on liquor because it keeps you warm.

D.)  Buy a generator of some sorts, or a Mr. Heater for when the power goes out, which could last for days, even months.

E.)   Put chains on your tires, you don’t want to get stuck in a ditch somewhere during a blizzard.

F.)   Layer up. It will be cold and you might get frost bite if snow touches you.

G.)  Have a gun on hand, or some type of weapon, just in case your no-good-neighbor decides to steal your rations because he didn’t take the necessary steps to prepare his family for the harsh winter times.

H.)  And remember, if you’re on the road and you start to slide, unbuckle and jump out, it’s your safest bet.

Unlike Knoxvillians, Seatteites have no problem traversing tundra-like conditions.

Snow is no laughing matter. It is dangerous and life-threatening. Winter is Mother Nature’s time of the month and snow is a bitch, so watch out and be safe.

A substantial amount of snow gradually blanketed The House Saturday morning.

THE BLUE HOUSE – Upon waking, the residents of The Blue House were in for a wintery surprise. The house was caked with significant layer of snow, and the falling flakes show no sign of stopping. It is reported by The Knoxville News Sentinel that two whole inches may be possible in the Tennessee Valley. In the mountains, the accumulations could surpass a whopping four inches.

This thin white blanket has the entire city in a panic. In fact, the news was so shocking that New Sentinel’s headline on their online equivalent this morning read, “Yes, it is snowing!” A reader immediately notices the exclamation point. It is the same exclamation point that ends eye-catching headlines such as “WAR!” and “The President Killed by Assassin!” A Knoxvillian knows this story intrinsically. Snow is Mother Nature’s most recognizable form of terrorism.

It is unknown whether The Blue House is prepared for this two-inch burial of a blizzard. Officials close to The House have stated that the residents hope to act out their day in a normal fashion. Yet, every time one looks out the window, one wonders if their dwindling supply of bread, milk, and eggs will be sufficient. It is almost certain that Knoxville’s grocery establishments were raided by many citizens last evening in a last-ditch effort of survival. Hopefully, for the sake of The House and the planet, Knoxville’s supply of perishable food has not been completely expended.

Blue House experts claim that if the snow continues at its current pace, the following video could become a horrifying reality: