Many claim that the Knoxville area Red Cross has been devoid of volunteers for decades.

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Washington has asked the United States and 50 States to revoke Tennessee’s popular nickname, The Volunteer State. Washingtonians wonder why the state continues to call itself that when it has not made an actual volunteer effort since the war of 1812.

“If they wanted to prove themselves, then now is the time,” challenged Nickle, a long-time dedicated Washingtonian.

“To be honest, I’m a little insulted by these allegations. Why I volunteered just last week for Pellissippi States’ Recycle Mania and won an honorary t-shirt for best recycling maniac,” M.C. Fox proudly responded.

Representatives for the Washington Volunteers Committee explained that the Tennessee Red Cross website has no information on donating towards disaster relief for Japan.

“It’s just sickening that they call themselves Vols and hardly respond when their services are called upon,” a representative for the Evergreen State declared.

The American Red Cross is advertising for relief funds via TV commercials and radio broadcasts urging Americans to donate $10 to their local Red Cross. The Rainier Red Cross, representing multiple counties in Western Washington, displays ways to assist in the Japan earthquake and Pacific Tsunami Response Efforts Front and Center on their webpage. The Knoxville area Red Cross does not.

“I get that the local pages are just that, more localized. But seriously, this was a huge disaster that deserves American attention. All of America,” expressed a Washingtonian volunteer during their final statements.

This image has been proposed a new state seal for Tennessee, as it emphasizes the state's lack of volunteers.

We are currently awaiting Tennessee’s response to the allegations from the West. The Blue House, however, will not stand for such blasphemy.

“If it’s volunteering they want, then it’s volunteering they’ll get,” declared Scooter. “I will drive everyone down to the Sunrise Market this instant and make a $20 donation. How dare those hacky-sacking liberals tell the Vols we don’t volunteer enough.” The Blue House itself has been actively engaged in such selfless operations as recycling and donating.

With the threat of their proud state title possibly being stripped away, can The Blue House get enough Tennesseans to make donations towards the Japan relief fund as an act of volunteerism?

“It’s doubtful,” most Washingtonians said.

In a strange (but unconcerning) incident, a Wisconsin man's feces took the shape of Washington.

MADISON, Wisc. — “It really wasn’t that unbelievable,” Buck Downer, a local bricklayer said. “I just looked down, and there it was. No coincidence at all.” What Downer referred to was his recent defecation experience, which rendered an unlikely result: a turd that resembled the state of Washington exactly.

Along with Downer, respected doctors at the University of Wisconsin are also unconcerned with the “Evergreen Poop”, the local name given to the feces.

“It’s no real secret,” Dr. Tressell Cringe, M.D., said. “The entire nation knows where Washington State originally came from. And aside from a major stink, there’s not much there.”

The only thing that seems to interest anybody is the sheer accuracy of the turd. Not only was the turd molded in the geographic shape of Washington, but it included labeled geologic landmarks as well. Also, instead of coming out the traditional brown, it was a kaleidoscope of colors, all corresponding to the topographic layout of the state.

Downer claims that this is not the first time something like this has happened. “I once puked the perfect shape of the Space Needle,” he said.

This tidbit may say it all: the Space Needle is merely vomit, but the State of Washington is complete crap. While the state floated on the glassy surface of the water, Downer stated that he did “stare at it for a moment” before “flushing it down”.

“I now have to clean the bowl,” he said. “The state left a nasty residue that could take hours to scrub off.”

Following Downer’s revelation, “Evergreen Poop” reports poured in from across the country describing similar instances of Washington being passed through the anus. Reports of the smells produced are too horrible to publish, but it has been confirmed that one man in Idaho literally sliced off his nose in the hope of not smelling Washington again. The reports also confirmed Downer’s anxiety over the bowl residue.

“Washington is a tough crap to get rid of,” Dr. Cringe said. “It stains and soils and drives one crazy. But with enough persistence, it can be washed away.” Cringe paused for a moment and wiped his glasses. “Hopefully,” he said. “Hopefully, it can be washed away.”

Similar reports have surfaced describing instances of Washington being passed through to a toilet.

This is one of the more flattering portraits of Nick Saban in his happy high school days.

How is it that Arthur Fonzarelli went on to become the best college football coach in the country? He must have had an epiphany after he jumped that shark. Yet, why did he change his name to Nick Saban? That one, no one will ever figure out. His number one ranked Crimson Tide get to head back home after a procrastinating performance against Arkansas last week. This week, god himself comes to Tuscaloosa. Urban Meyer would love nothing more than to manifest another miracle and knock off the Tide. Trust this publication, a miracle is certainly what it will take for the Gators to win. They have been surprisingly error-prone all season. They can’t even seem to get a shotgun snap right. It’s as if John Brantley and his center have never met each other, and if they have, they are certainly not on pleasing terms. If the reader cannot tell already, it’s a no-brainer that Alabama will win on Saturday.

Here are this week’s “cool” picks (Hey-y-y…):

Tennessee Volunteers at #12 LSU Tigers

It is now official across the world: Tennessee has no defense, and Tennessee has no offense. Come to that, they don’t have a special teams either. Okay, so Daniel Lincoln can actually kick consistent field goals this year, but that’s it. After the first quarter, the Vols are simply an odious football team. They may take a small lead in the first, but John Chavis’s defense will shut them down for the other three. Chavis is out for revenge after being canned with Phil Fulmer and his staff in 2007. He will, perhaps, laugh gleefully at the outcome of this one.

And yet, one can’t help to reminisce about a hero who last led the Vols to a victory in Baton Rouge:

Unfortunately, that won’t happen this time.

The Blue House Lives

LSU 34   Tennessee 14

Hampton Forecast:

LSU 28   Tennessee 23

Striker Report:

Tennessee 23   LSU 20

Trojan Horse:

LSU 24   Tennessee 3

No Washington Huskies at #18 No Lane Kiffin Trojans

The Blue House Lives may hate Lane Kiffin worse than the Washington Huskies. It cannot be said enough: Kiffin sucks, and God willing, his USC Trojans will suck. The only tragedy here is that they won’t suck enough to lose to the abysmal Huskies.

The Blue House Lives:

USC 35   Washington 20

Hampton Forecast:

USC 38   Washington 22

Striker Report:

USC 35   Washington 25

Trojan Horse:

USC 24   Washington 7

#7 Florida Gators at #1 Alabama Crimson Tide

(See above) It’s all been said before. Urban Meyer is the god of college football. Nick Saban is a much better coach than god. The Tide rolls the Gators over, pets their bellies, and drops an elbow. Game, set, match, Fonz.

The Blue House Lives:

Alabama 28   Florida 17

Hampton Forecast:

Alabama 37   Florida 26

Striker Report:

Alabama 28   Florida 20

Trojan Horse:

Alabama 24   Florida 10

#9 Stanford Cardinal at #4 Oregon Ducks

Will Stanford’s “Luck” run out on Saturday? That statement may be the most overused pun of the season. We all know that Stanford’s star quarterback’s name is Luck, but he doesn’t have enough “Luck” to win at Autzen Stadium on Saturday night. It must be admitted that Autzen is small, but with all those Gordon Bombay-crazed flappers chanting “Quack, Quack” and their lips securely fastened to those ridiculous duck calls, Stanford’s “Luck” will be trampled by the weight of the majestic “Flying V.” This pick is for you, Julie Gafney.

The Blue House Lives:

Oregon 30   Stanford 21

Hampton Forecast:

Oregon 38   Stanford 36

Striker Report:

Oregon 36   Stanford 30

Trojan Horse:

Oregon 49   Stanford 24

#8 Oklahoma Sooners vs.#22 Texas Longhorns

The Blue House Lives:

Oklahoma 20   Texas 17

Hampton Forecast:

Oklahoma 31   Texas 28

Striker Report:

Oklahoma 24   Texas 20

Trojan Horse:

Oklahoma 24   Texas 20

#11 Wisconsin Badgers at #24 Michigan State Spartans

The Blue House Lives:

Michigan State 21   Wisconsin 17

Hampton Forecast:

Wisconsin 30   Michigan State 26

Striker Report:

Wisconsin 28   Michigan State 26

Trojan Horse:

Wisconsin 24   Michigan State 13

#22 Penn State Nittany Lions at #17 Iowa Hawkeyes

The Blue House Lives:

Iowa 28   Penn State 20

Hampton Forecast:

Iowa 30   Penn State 25

Striker Report:

Iowa 24   Penn State 16

Trojan Horse:

Iowa 24   Penn State 23

#16 Miami Hurricanes at Clemson Tigers

The Blue House Lives:

Clemson 20   Miami 18

Hampton Forecast:

Miami 33   Clemson 30

Striker Report:

Miami 27   Clemson 23

Trojan Horse:

Clemson 24   Miami 17

Striker Report: 24-8 (0.750)

Trojan Horse: 22-10 (0.688)

Hampton Forecast: 22-10 (0.688)

The Blue House Lives: 21-11 (0.656)

Even with the strike, Coke trucks are determined to reach Tennessee, as the state is its most loyal consumer. This high level of consumption is mostly due to the poor quality of Tennessee's water.

TENNESSEE – Over 500 Coca-cola employees have gone on strike since August 28^th. One employee said they had been overworked to compensate for the mass import of the product to Tennessee. Most Tennesseans prefer to drink Coke or Mountain Dew because their water is impotable to humans. Unfortunately for The Volunteer State, the Appalachian Mountains aren’t privileged to have year round snow gracing their peaks, unlike their envied western counterparts. Most real mountainous states receive their water supply from the snow melting and filtering over the rocks and into the streams.

The small percentage of potable water that does flow from the smoke filled mountains of Tennessee is used to make moonshine or imitate Kentucky’s famous bourbon. Descendents of the historical Cherokee chief, Falling Rock, claim that their ancestors told stories of when sparkling fresh water use to flow from the mountains and replenished all living things. Now, they say they are ashamed of what Tennesseans have done to their once beautiful, self sufficient land. “We use to be able to care for ourselves, without the help of outsiders,” one descendent explained, “and then Tennesseans moved  in and grew so much tobacco that the mountains began to smoke and it tainted the water supply.”

Studies have indicated that The South consumes more Coca-Cola than any other region in the U.S. Coca-Cola employees refuse to refill vending machines until they reach an agreement in which their healthcare coverage includes Coke related illnesses. Employees delivering to The South were forced to only drink coke instead of water, and because of that certain illnesses arose. Coca-Cola stated, “Our water product, Dasani, is rarely shipped there. There is virtually no demand for it, so what little we do carry down South is for purchase only. The state needs to come up with a means to supply clean water naturally, on its own.”

Economists speculate that Coco-Cola would suffer immensely if their contract with Tennessee ever expires. The entire U.S economy would crash. “I don’t think Coke could lose Tennessee as a buyer” states Blue House economist Jeff L. Horner. “We’re loyal to Coke here, especially around the holidays. I can’t imagine Christmas without a Santa Coke. It breaks my heart.”

Tennesseans, it seems, do find other uses for their undrinkable water.

Since the strike, many charity organizations like Northwest Rise Up, and Mt. Rainier Good Samaritan Association, are banning together to send water to Tennessee during these harsh times. Even the Rainier Brewing Company is sending water to the Coke victims in the Volunteer state. “We’re trying to do all we can to help those poor people” Nickle, a representative for Northwest Rise Up, told The Blue House Press. “Whether they will accept our assistance is up to them.”

Some people say that Tennesseans need to learn a hard lesson in conservation. “Perhaps they need to take more pride in where they live and less on what didn’t happen during the civil war” regarded one bystander. “There’s only so much you can do to help Tennessee, it’s pretty much a lost cause at this point.”

The air quality is so bad in Seattle that downtown is barely visible.

SEATTLE, Wash. – A recent report indicated that the air quality in Washington State is far worse than any other state. The air is so bad, in fact, that many researchers have declared that the air is better in Hell than in the Evergreen State.

Why the air is so bad is actually not much of a mystery. “It’s Washington,” one renowned researcher said. “Everything is bad. Why shouldn’t the air be bad too?” Washington is known for its overcast haziness, but with this new report, it can safely be said that the cloudiness is certainly related to the poor air.

The barely breathable environment is also responsible for the disfigured appearance of most Washington citizens. “If there’s anything closer to a zombie than a Washingtonian,” Jeff L. Horner, BHL virtuoso said, “I don’t know what it is.” Considering most Washingtonians are characterized by hideousness, it is of no wonder that the populous sold the coveted Space Needle to the dreamy Jonas Brothers.

Appeals are indubitably expected later in the week. These appeals, however, are expected to come from Hell rather than Washington. “I can’t believe our home would even be compared to Washington,” the Devil’s spokesperson said following the report. “It is an insult to what we’ve tried to build here. To compare us to that cesspool of a state is an insult to our minimal cleanliness.”

Tourists to the Evergreen State (if there are any) are advised to don HAZMAT suits.

Jeff L. Horner commented, “You know you’re state’s bad when even Hell doesn’t want to be in the same sentence with it.” Perhaps it is lucky for the rest of the nation that Congressional officials have voted to erect a giant wall around Washington. Some, however, say that the wall doesn’t go far enough. “What Washington needs is a bubble around it,” one congressman said. “I should be like that new Stephen King book. That would be the only real way of keeping the filth from infected the rest of the country.”

These ribbons have become the symbol of the "Support Washington" movement.

SEATTLE – The isolation of Washington State by a vast wall has stirred up a lot of controversy, extending beyond just the politics of the matter. The national Congress’s decision to build a wall surrounding the border of the state has proven to be a highly disputed topic in the West.

The Federal government has a long history of begrudging the great state of Washington. “The feds have been angry ever since our statehood in 1889. And we all know the real reason…” Washingtonian Tukwilla Lewis explains. “They want to go by Washington instead of D.C. It’s confusing having two well known Washingtons in one country. But let’s face it; they’re not even a state. They’re a district.”

The people of Washington had acknowledged the possibility of separating themselves from the nation and becoming autonomous, but that idea was quickly discarded after receiving countless letters of support against the erection of the Wall by Congress. Oregon Native Florence Coos wrote “On behalf of myself, the people of Oregon, and many other West Coast inhabitants, we feel it is our duty to unite against the tyranny of the Eastside of our once unified country and join our efforts to save the majestic state of Washington from architectural exile.”

Oregon, Idaho, Utah, and Northern California have sworn allegiance to Washington State and agree to work against the erection of the wall, by building their own walls following their most eastern borderlines. Southern California had decided to remain neutral due to certain suspensions. “The goal is to keep prejudices out and hopefully expand the mission to our neighboring states until we touch D.C itself,” Utah Governor G.R Herbert stated at a press conference.

“The West will not tolerate being alienated and sanctioned off.” This division has recently entered the sports community, with former Big-12 teams now leaving their conference to join the Pac-10 in support of the Washington movement. The University of Colorado’s Buffaloes pledged their allegiance just recently. Oklahoma, Oklahoma state, Nebraska, Texas, Texas A & M, and Texas Tech are all considering showing their support to the West Coast, making the Pac-10 more of a Pac-16.

This map shows the growing range of states supporting Washington. The darker colored states represent the already established support of the Pac 10 Conference. The lighter color states represent newly added supporters.

“Everyone should know by now not to mess with Texas, and Texas supports Washington all the way,” Texan Dallas Worth proclaimed. “We’ll take back the West if we have to.”

Recently in Vancouver, Canadians were seen proudly displaying pro-WA bumper stickers and support ribbons. Congress has yet to comment on the uprising.  With the talk of Canada getting involved, an international dilemma could be at hand and Congress is predicted to buckle, as usual, on the issue.

The wall is meant by the federal government to keep out Washingtonians, who were labeled as " simply undesirable."

OLYMPIA, WA – Following Arizona’s strict immigration legislation, some states were expected to follow suit and pass legislation of their own. Yet, no one expected what the national Congress called for yesterday: an impenetrable wall around the state of Washington.

Backlash was expected, and it came when state lawmakers gathered in Olympia yesterday to criticize the bill that describes Washingtonians as “simply undesirable.”

“We cannot allow a congress in that Washington,” declared state Congressman Jameson von Rainier, “to impose an unwarranted sanction on this Washington. If they want to build a wall keeping us out, then we will also build a wall to keep them out.”

Following his statement, the chamber erupted in applause, and the Speaker of the Washington State House scheduled a vote for later today.

The proposition on the table: Washington will construct a wall inside of the proposed national wall with the designation of keeping Americans out of Washington. This wall is slated to be identical to the one built by the United States government that aims to keep Washingtonians out of the U.S.

Senator Harry Reid of Nevada voiced support for the national wall. “These people (Washingtonians) have proven to be nothing but a menace since they were granted statehood in 1889,” he said. “Putting a wall around the state preserves the integrity of the surrounding states and, therefore, the nation as well.”

The standoff created by the two wall plans has many people rattled, including economists. “A wall around Washington State could be disastrous,” said Benito Spanwalgham, one the nation’s foremost economic theorists. “The Hacky Sack trade alone would suffer immensely.”

Spanwalgham refers to Washington’s number one export: foot bags. “If both walls are built,” he went on to say, “the nation’s hippie culture may be destroyed.”

Washington’s congress, however, intends to move forward. “We shall double our efforts,” Rainier said. “And, by doing so, we shall erect our wall long before that little boy’s club in D.C. erects theirs.”

The black lines represent the proposed wall to be built by the United States. The red line symbolizes Washington State's own wall against America.

Harry Reid retaliated against that claim however on MSNBC’s Hardball. “If they want to try to build a wall first,” he said, “let them. They are Washingtonians. I have said in the past that they are undesirable, and I stand by it. They aren’t even capable of erecting a wall, especially at a faster rate than the federal government.”

In what has become a tennis match of claims, Rainier struck back immediately during his morning radio address. “If anyone’s going to get an erection first,” he said, “it’s us.”

Reid has yet to issue a retort, but political pundits warn that he will not take this erection claim lightly.

Hulk Hogan assures Washington's children that they will not go without gifts.

SEATTLE – At a conference held in Seattle, Washington, an elite group of Northwest representatives congregated over the issue of Santa Claus’s refusal to deliver to the State of Washington. Officials agree that they don’t want a biased Santa invading their home states, so the traditional Santa Claus has been banned from all over the Northwest, including parts of Canada.

Santa was recently quoted stating that Washington children were “naughty…and never nice,” and that the state was too dark for him to travel through. Northwest representatives agree that Santa is being prejudice towards the liberal evergreen state and is “clearly showing his biases here,” an Oregon representative said earlier. “Santa seems to favor more southern states, which tend to be conservative, since they line the Bible belt,” a representative from Olympia, Washington related during the conference.

Canada has declared that it doesn’t want anything to do with a Santa that passes judgment on small, innocent children.  “It’s not their fault they live in a dreary environment. Those kids probably need the gifts more to brighten up their spirits.” The manner of replacing Santa came quite effortlessly to the Northwest Council.

Rumor had it that Hulk Hogan once played the infamous Saint Nick in a 1996 film titled Santa with Muscles. The council was able to reach Hogan and explain to him the last minute situation they had been thrown into. A representative for Northern California exclaimed back to the council that Hogan has sympathy towards the children of Washington and eagerness to take the position on once more. “We want a Santa that appreciates our children and notices all the nice things they do all year round. Santa with Muscles is our guy and we’re very excited to have him on board. This will likely be the best Christmas Washington has seen in years,” exclaimed Washington Governor Gregoire.

Tennesee and the rest of the country will receive a Bad Santa visit.

The council was definitely pleased with the decision met in Seattle this past week, especially after they discovered whom Santa had flying out for him this year over the U.S. It has been known for years that the Boss-man Santa has been hiring fill-in Santa Clauses to hit specific regions, as to speed up the deliveries. “The human population has risen too much over the decades, Santa just couldn’t keep up, so we started to hire Santas to help out and speed up the process,” one Executive Elf explained. “With how the economy is, all we could get was ole Billy Bob to do the job this year.” So while Billy Bob Claus will be transporting presents for the rest of America, a more sculpted Santa will proudly serve the Great Northwest this year.

The new Whirlpool promises a clean future for The House's dishes.

THE KITCHEN – A new fragrance was detected in the air of The Blue House Kitchen. The smell was almost indistinguishable, but still determined as the scent, of a new dishwasher.  The Whirlpool’s arrival was greeted by Blue House members with much anticipation and relief. Its delayed homecoming was an inconvenience shared by all House inhabitants. “This new dishwasher is really going to save on the cost of lotion. My hands have been incredibly dry after all that manual washing. I welcome the new dishwasher with open arms,” Nichole exclaimed about the Whirlpool.

Attempts were made to lessen the load, as M.C Fox supplied the house with plastic plates and cups. “I guess some idiots just don’t get the hint around here,” Fox told The Blue House Lives regarding his purchase. “Even if you put the plastic [cups] right in front of the glass ones, they’ll still use the glass.” Most House members opted for take-out, rather than live without a dishwasher. “I realize now how much we took the dishwasher for granted, and how tedious of a job it had to do,” acknowledged senior House resident Scooter. “Not only did it tie The Kitchen together, but it also functioned as the heart of The Kitchen,” he continued on to explain.

The House was definitely thrilled to get a new one.

The excitement surrounding the first wash was said to be compared to the same emotions experienced at the grand opening of the Tacoma Dome (or Sunsphere, depending on your region). What happened next, though, would have devastated even a nihilist. The first load was discovered to be a failure. House member Nichole was the first to start the wash, claiming she had rinsed the dishes thoroughly before placing them in the care of the Whirlpool. As M.C Fox started to put the assumed clean dishes back in their designated storage area, he noticed not all of the dishes had met Blue House standards for cleanliness. Disappointment and outrage was had by all.

Residents hope the dishwasher will overcome its initial struggles.

The question of whether The Kitchen will remain dishwasherless is undetermined. Worry has spread throughout The House concerning proper sanitation, food consumption, trash production, and moisturizer investments. “We’ll just have to dirty up some more dishes for practice runs until the newbie dishwasher can get it right,” M.C Fox declared earlier. For now, that’s all The House can do.

Although Santa disregards Washington, he has discovered a new way to keep warm.

WASHINGTON STATE – In a surprising twist to the 2009 holiday season, the North Pole issued a statement declaring the State of Washington unsuitable for Santa Claus. The central reason: a complete lack of well-behaved children. A chief spokesman for Santa said, “After last year’s pointless flight over Washington, we have wholly decided to skip the state this year. As far as we are concerned, Christmas no longer exists in the there.”

This statement came as a complete shock to many Christmas critics, as it was assumed that Santa would merely leave all of Washington’s children a sack of coal this year. Yet, after this morning’s revelation, it appears that the man in red will avoid the state altogether. In a later statement prepared by North Pole, Santa advised everyone else on the planet to “avoid that god-awful state as well”.

What does this mean for the deprived children of Washington? The Blue House Lives chief holiday correspondent, Jeff L. Horner, has this to say: “Considering the dilapidated condition of the state (Washington), it should not come as a surprise that Santa will only visit 49 states. Washington kids are used to getting short-changed. It’s the price you pay for living without sunlight.”

Horner’s statement regarding the lack of sunlight does hit another chord that the North Pole has been clamoring about for decades. “Washington is simply too dark for Santa,” The Blue House Lives premier elf contact stated. “From above, you can’t see through the clouds, and from below, you can’t see the sky. Why the place was even habituated by people, I will never know. Humans prove to be mighty dumb sometimes.”

Whether or not the children of Washington were devastated by this morning’s announcement has yet to be revealed. It must be noted that Washington’s children, aside from similar appearance, are much more uncivilized than other children, and this point is something the North Pole has attempted to make clear. In a rare interview, Santa himself reviewed the Washington’s children. “It is apparent to me,” he said, “that the little ones of that state are possessed by some kind of demon. They are never nice, and they seem to make naughty a way of life. Soon, something must be done about that plague of place.”

Speculation now hovers around the possibility of Congress intervening. It seems that the United States cannot have one of its states declared unfit, and one congressman even warned, “This country will not tolerate a place where children are consistently naughty. We may have to consider rejecting Washington’s statehood soon.”

St. Nick labeled Tennessee as one of his favorite stops.

As of now, Santa is slated to hit 49 of 50 states this Christmas. He went on to urge Americans to keep their chins up, for he said, “There are many states that I love visiting. There are even states that make me proud of the work I do. One of these is Tennessee. It has always proven to be a diamond in the rough.” Unlike dark and dirty Washington, the children of the Volunteer State will celebrate a joyous Christmas.