A simple glass of water unexpectedly quenched Jeff L. Horner's thirst.

KITCHEN, Blue House – Jeff L. Horner was parched. In order to cure himself, he padded his way into the kitchen. Yet, upon arrival, he was struck by the thought that the kitchen housed nothing at all drinkable. “I was utterly heartbroken,” he said. “I couldn’t find any juice, milk, or soda. I had no clue what to do.”

It was at that moment, a strange instinctual desire crept up in his bodily desire places. “I felt the need to drink…,” it was at this moment he lost his composure, “…w-water. I felt the need to drink water. It’s not something I’m proud of.”

This loss of honor in which Horner refers pertains to the fact that he actually drank water (actual H20). “I drank it straight from a glass,” he recalled. “It was in a Brita pitcher, but I poured it into a glass. Drinking the water made me feel so old-fashioned and out-of-touch. I felt as if my peers were looking down at me in disappointment.”

Something remarkable happened, however. “It quenched my thirst,” Horner said. “It really did. I was beside myself. It did a better job of thirst-quenching than soda, milk, and juice combined.” Horner was initially skeptical, though. “I decided to drink some more water just to see if it continued to quench my thirst. Maybe my quenching was a complete fluke of the system. Maybe the planets were in alignment or something else completely rare and world-altering.”

And what happened? “It quenched me even more and even coated my mouth with a moist film of water. I felt so…so…hydrated.” While not offering any definitive remarks, Horner did hint that he might switch to water completely for all of his thirst-quenching needs. “Water is pretty remarkable. I’m just disappointed that I’ve never heard of its quenching abilities before. I’m considering applying it during other bodily activities such as bathing and baptism. Once again, water is truly remarkable.”

How remarkable is water? It appears that this publication will have to be present the next Horner bathes or gets baptized. Who knows when that may be?

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The Blue House thought pragmatically in replacing the old dishwasher.

THE KITCHEN – On Saturday, 5, December, The House was to expect its long-awaited and overdue brand-new dishwasher to come in and replace the old one. The new dishwasher, a Whirlpool, was purchased by House Commander-and-Chief M.C. Fox on the blackest of black Fridays last month. Once it came time for installation, it became undeniably obvious that the Whirlpool had been damaged via poor forklift operations.

Unfortunately for The House, it was too late to go back to the old Kenmore that once served The House so proudly. The Kenmore had already been disconnected from all its major life lines, and there was no way House plumbers M.C. Fox, Fox Senior, and Nichole could revive it. Once the aortic pipe was severed from the old dishwasher, its vital fluids started to spill out over the kitchen floor, leaving streaming pools of dishwasher plasma everywhere.

Though the Kenmore had many fond memories of cleaning House dishes, its days were over, and there was nothing left for the Kenmore to wash. Now, it is to remain in its final resting place on The House lawn, since M.C. Fox couldn’t bear the sight of leaving it at the dump.

The only other option, other than leaving a black hole in the kitchen, was to manufacture a dishwasher Blue House style. House members Nichole and M.C. Fox went straight to work creating the most efficient dishwasher they could, molding it out of unused supplies found in the House downstairs closet. What they came up with was a House replica of the old Kenmore, in honor of its satisfactory cleanings.

The old Kenmore was eventually exiled to the yard.

As for the Whirlpool that never was, rumor has that it may arrive within a week’s time. Until then, The House is forced to convert from its vast collection of pint glasses to festively decorated plastic cups and plates. The question that stands on everyone’s minds is how is this conversion of eating apparatuses is going to affect The House’s garbage intake? Only time will tell.

Steff has no problem retrieving her earnings.

THE KITCHEN – “I thought they were hookers,” one recent visitor to The Blue House commented on the two money-filled mason jars planted atop the refrigerator. The visitor was obviously referencing the names scrawled across the two jars: “Steff” and “Nicold”. “I can understand the mistake,” Jeff L. Horner said. “I’m sorry to burst everyone’s bubble, however. There are no hookers at The Blue House.”

The jars are actually posted up there to graciously receive food tips. Granted, The Blue House has not opened an official restaurant, but one would certainly think so. Cooking has become so frequent at The House, many outside commentators have posted speculation that Rachel Ray has moved in.

The jars are so handy that Nicold’s has a specialized hook that can used to retrieve her hard-earned money. This hook, of course, compensates for the fact that she will never be tall enough to reach the top of the fridge. Steff, it was reported, has no problem at all reaching up and plunging her hand into the lucrative jar.

Nicold uses a special hook to pull out the cash.

“Nicold definitely cooks a lot,” M.C. Fox, renowned virtuoso said. “I like those potato things. She even made chicken tenders.” It must be noted that Fox is a well-respected chicken tender critic. His critiques have even been printed in prestigious culinary publications, such as The Fatty’s Bible and If it’s not Poo, I’ll Eat It.

When it comes to actual output, Nicold is decidedly ahead of Steff (a.k.a. Leelee). Nicold’s tip jar currently houses eight dollars, while Steff’s only has five. The Blue House Lives noted culinary correspondent recently stated: “Steff has the quality there, but so does Nicold. Nicold is simply beating her in the volume of food produced.”

Duncan had his own thoughts regarding the subsistence output: “The Kitchen is certainly seeing some kind of renaissance. I’ve never seen anything like it. Even the dishes were done.” If one were to enter The House today, one would easily smell the mouth-watering wafts in the air. Nicold made a soup over the weekend that The Blue House Lives! has labeled as “divine” and “orgasmic”. Steff’s chili, as well, received rave reviews. The New York Times Blue House regarded it as “a dream come true” and “what sex feels like to a woman”.

The Jars are a new fixture at The House.

Whether or not this upward trend in culinary bliss will continue, only the two girls know. One thing is definitely obvious: They will continue to accept tips. As it appears, so long as the money’s flowing, these girls have no problem whoring out their cooking talents for The Blue House’s deprived stomachs.

*** This tidbit brings this publication to its next great request from the world that loves it so much. If anyone out there would like to send Steff or Nicold a tip for their eatable contribution to The Blue House’s well-being, please send it to our heavily-guarded Swiss bank account.***

The two accidently encountered each other in The Kitchen.

THE KITCHEN – Lionelle scurried from The Porch earlier to survey the surrounding area when she encountered Ninja in The Kitchen. The two then provided the first hostilities of the Kitty Konflict in quite some time. One onlooker reported: “Neither of them seemed to be prepared, but they went ahead anyway. That’s the nature of war, though.”

When Lionelle spotted Ninja, however, she quickly entrenched upon the high ground near Window Ledge. Ninja then proceed furtively across the tiled field of Kitchen until he was within striking distance. “He didn’t strike her, though,” Jeff L. Horner, The Blue House Lives Senior Kitty Korrespondent said. “Perhaps, his mind flashed images of his two recent defeats on The Porch. He obviously didn’t want to repeat those failures.”

While he never actually charged, Ninja did employ the age-old tactic of intimidation. He screamed at Lionelle, and the follow shouts pierced the air: “Meow, meow, meow-meow, meow, meeeeow.” While translation is difficult in the midst of an impending battle, The Blue House Lives Felinguistic Expert was on the scene. He reports: “Ninja’s voice ripped through the air, and a few of his chants were incomprehensible. However, there was a specific statement where it seemed he called Lionelle, and I quote, “a pussy”.”

Lionelle, it seems, was not exactly offended, for she interpreted it as merely another word for cat. It did, however, have an unforeseen effect on her. “Lionelle went a bit of an identity crisis,” one witness said. “She really couldn’t understand why Ninja would call her a cat. She may have begun to think that she was, in fact, not a cat.”

Lionelle must weather Ninja's psychological attack.

Experts say the psychological implications of Lionelle’s identity crisis could be disastrous at this state in the war. “She must remain aware that she is a cat,” Horner said. “If she doubts herself, she could lose this war.”

Damage done, Ninja quickly retreated to a more suitable position. He situated in a tiny alcove in The Hallway. The alcove provided a sufficient view of Lionelle and the vast expanse of The Kitchen. Lionelle remained near Window Ledge. She sat pensively with her brows furrowed and her whiskered drooped. Ninja’s accusation has taken effect.

Neither party ever actually engaged each other, but war strategians indicate that this encounter was a considerable skirmish. Ninja has renewed the war and taken it to the psychological front. Initially, the mind games have affected Lionelle, although it is impossible to know the extent of the damage.

The skirmish proved bloodless, though.

Lionelle has since retired back to The Porch, and Ninja has repositioned to Study Window. The two sit where they started. Lionelle, however, must now counter Ninja’s new psychological firepower with something equally innovative. The Kitchen, the site of Lionelle’s initial war declaration, sits bloodless for now.

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A thief strikes and takes cow juice from the refrigerator.

Earlier, a thief struck The Blue House refrigerator and stole a jug of milk. The Blue House Lives is involved in an ongoing investigation to discover the culprit behind this act. We have discovered a video that sheds an enormous amount of light on the crime.

We hope that eventually the milk will be recovered and the criminal caught. The Blue House Lives senior kitchen correspondent relates, “The Blue House is in a frenzy over the milk theft. They fear that their calcium levels could reach dangerous depths if it is not found soon.”

Here is the video that has surfaced regarding the crime. Forensic experts are baffled by this, as it seems to have been produced during a bygone era. Enjoy.

The current state of the dishes may require immediate action.

“We cannot let this set us back. We must strike back at those malignant forces standing in the way of progress,” the Upstart (whose name is still unknown because we at The Blue House Lives have not made it up yet) declared after his proposed health care reform fell flat this weekend. The dirty dishes only piled up higher at the sink thereby snowballing the crisis at hand. The extent of the action occurred when a comprehensive effort was made to clean the dishes by the Upstart’s followers. Yet, when those supporters reached the sink, the Opposition was waiting for them and combated them with a long filibuster. Eventually, the resolve did not pass, and the dishes remain undone.

The Upstart remains confident, however. “In the unlikely story that is The Blue House, challenges are what drives us forward,” he declared at a speech earlier today. “We must confront these head on with a gracious wind at our backs. We must stand together and attack these dishes. Our health is too precious to stand back, leaning against the wall, claiming that the energy is too much to exert.”

Many see this as an impossible task.

Yet, at his rhetoric expands, the pile of dishes expands too. Experts say the health of The House too is now starting to decline. Duncan Harryman, a House inmate, coughed violently in The Corridor Bathroom yesterday causing a great stir. It is even suggested that M.C. Fox is having bladder difficulties related to the poor state of health care. Jeff L. Horner, The Blue House Lives undisputed political analyst, notes some of his difficulties: “I haven’t been aroused in weeks. There is a serious problem here, and we must address it. Or else, we all go sterile.” Lionelle, who finds herself entrenched on The Porch in a grinding conflict with Ninja, coughed up a hairball recently. Many speculate that things are only going to get worse.

The Opposition stands strong, however. “He (the Upstart) thinks that he can just come in and push us around. We don’t have the resources to do those dishes, and he must realize this,” the Opposition Leader (who also does not have a name because we haven’t thought of one) said Sunday. Some Opposition members agree with the Upstart on the need for reform and endorsed his effort that cleaned the counter to a sparkling shine, but they will not back him on a universal reformation. The dishes seem to be a step too far, and they are not willing to compromise.

Is this change too much to accomplish?

Presently, the Upstart sits up late in his office, his forehead wrinkling up as it rests on his hand. His eyes look weary but remain afire with the fighting spirit that brought him this far. He expressed during his speech this morning: “There is a course of cynics who believe that what we propose, what we move to change, is merely giving false hope. Yet, I say to you now, right here in front of the people of this great House, that there is nothing false about the spirit of The Blue House. And together, we can get the job done.” Time will only tell if real change is on the horizon, or the winds of conservatism will remain guiding the course.

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The seven beers could cause a huge stir.

There is a simple fact that must be acknowledged at the house this present moment: there are seven Coors Lights in the refrigerator. That they reside in the fridge is not an unbelievable detail, for many a beer has found its way into the Blue House chill-box. No, the unbelievable fact is that these beers have been there since Saturday and have not been drunk. This situation raises the eyebrows of many experts, for it is now unknown as to the fate of these beers. In simple terms, who will drink them, or, even more perplexing, are they, as many claim, untouchable?

These questions will be the subject of intense observation by the Blue House Lives. So far, no one is willing to comment on the status of those seven silver bullets, but everyone tacitly agrees that something must be done. Pundits everywhere have expressed the basic ambiguities regarding full beers that are more than a couple of days old.

Firstly, it becomes difficult to determine whose beer is actually clogging up the refrigerator. At the Blue House, this usually is not a difficult drawback, yet there are times that establishing an owner’s identity becomes a pressing issue. Some have pushed for legislation that places a specific definition on an owner’s period of ownership. Therefore, if a beer outstays its welcome, it becomes what is referred to as “fair game”. Overall, anyone who has a thirst can quench it with the overstayed beer.

The beers could cause major blockage in the refridgerator. By the way, we would like to thank Dole, Brita, and Coors Light for today's unofficial sponsership.

Secondly, the beer simply clogs up the refrigerator. This blockage prevents other beverages, such as milk, soda, or simply more beer from being placed in the fridge. In a place with so many cohabitants like the Blue House, blockage leads to close conflict and the potential for open warfare. So far, no conflicts have broken out over the beers, but the Blue House Lives will be on-scene if belligerency does occur.

The Blue House Lives chief kitchen correspondent reminds us that there has been a spike in the milk consumption in the Blue House. How this will affect those seven beers is still unknown, but it is possible that a complete diary takeover could take place within the confines of the magnet-clad fridge. Yet, it must be remembered that this is all presupposition, but many experts have had presentiments that some crisis stemming from the Coors Lights is approaching. The Blue House Lives will persist in its ongoing coverage of the seven silver bullets and will soon answer whether the beers are, in fact, untouchable.