How will the House manage without Bloodsport playing downstairs?

DOWNSTAIRS – It roundhouse-kicked one DVD player. It terrorized guests for months. Bloodsport played incessantly for what seemed like an eternity, but recently, out-of-the-blue, its reign over the downstairs television came to an end. Now, Blue House insiders are begging the question: what will replace Bloodsport?

Bloodsport’s reign began months ago when Man-Man discovered that the film’s DVD played continuously without pressing on the opening menu. The martial arts film, starring the uncanny Jean-Claude Van Damme, became the grand exhibition of House, as fans travelled from as far away as Las Vegas to witness it.

“It seemed that it would never end,” one guest said. “I thought Bloodsport would play forever.”

Most Americans agreed. A careful Blue House Lives survey showed that 96 percent of normal Americans believed that Bloodsport would play on until the end-of-time. It had simply become a House tradition.

But, eventually, tragedy struck as Bloodsport was silenced.

“I don’t know,” Scooter said. “It doesn’t feel the same down there now. I’m used to the Chong-Li chants and repetitive airhorns.”

Now, however, the question revolves around a replacement. What will take over as the official movie of the downstairs? Well, recently, Man-Man discovered that Lethal Weapon, starring Mel Gibson and the indomitable Danny Glover, also plays continuously in the same manner as Bloodsport. Will Lethal Weapon replace Bloodsport? Will “Okay, U.S.A.” be supplanted by Roger Murtaugh’s immortal line “I’m too old for this shit?”

This massive fire was the direct result of a wooden wine rack burning.

BLUE HOUSE — Astronauts aboard the International Space Station witnessed a strange occurrence Saturday night—a large flare of flaming light seemingly sprouted from the Earth. While it appeared as something sinister, the flare was nothing more than the remains of a wooden wine rack burned to ashes as an unlikely sacrifice celebrating M. C. Fox’s twenty-eighth birthday.

The large fire was only one highlight at a gala that became an elegant gathering of the Blue House’s finest. Earlier in the night, a select group of gentlemen gathered around the Kitchen and try a sample of a rare Vietnamese cocktail composed of a golden liquid drowning a cobra eating a scorpion. Fox described the drink, “It tasted like maple syrup.”

The coterie was all night treated with films projected onto the House’s top-notch outdoor screen. Films included such classics as Beerfest and Super Troopers. Most agreed it was better than the Chinese Theater in Hollywood.

“The night,” said Taylor, one of the guests, “in a word, was magical.”

It was so magical, in fact, that once the wine rack was torched in honor of the “Fantastic” Mr. Fox, a flame the size of Mount Rainier shot into the heavens—startling America’s astronauts. Once they learned what the flame was for, they joined in song wishing Fox a happy birthday.

Here lies some of the desolation from the storm that Scooter labelled as "devastating".

BLUE HOUSE — On Tuesday night, two massive systems collided to spawn one of the most terrible thunderstorms to ever strike the Blue House. Strong winds slammed into the area, and a hurricane-like extravaganza erupted with a force unheard of. Thankfully, no one was injured, but the House’s hallowed grounds suffered immensely. Limbs were shattered and thrown from their trees, the trash can was hurled into the yard, and the legendary swing where Fryin’ Brian once roosted was thrown violently into a bush.

“It was devastating,” Scooter said. “What a rush that storm was.”

The tempest was immediately followed by a severe power outage that affected the House for nearly a day. Nothing was visible, and only the silence of a once bustling House remained.

“I could barely see to use the bathroom,” Man-Man said, “and when it’s too dark to poop, you know something ain’t right.”

Scooter recounted his attempt to eat a delicious dinner when the blast arrived: “I was munching on a delicious dish that Nickle prepared, which consisted of salmon, rice, and asparagus. Then the thing hit like a bomb. The storm was everywhere all at once. I thought a tornado was going to strike the House, so I screamed for Nickle and the cats to get downstairs. Of course, no one listened, so I ran down myself. Eventually, it all ended, and, as usual, I looked the idiot—standing in the dark all by my lonesome.”

“I was going to go downstairs too,” Nickle said, “but I didn’t want to be caught unprepared. So, I raced into my room and slipped on tennis shoes. I was the smarter one. Who runs around like an idiot with flip flops on? Coincidently, he (Scooter) had flip flops on.”

Man-Man, however, was content in the garage with his beloved Mazda MX-6. When the power failed, he stood stalwart and continued to restore his masterpiece. When the storm ended and the power refused to return, he enlisted the help of Nickle and Scooter. Nickle held the all-important light, and Scooter used his laptop’s miniscule battery life to serenade the group with soothing music.

“Ain’t no storm going to stop me,” Man-Man said. “Nickle was all right holding the light, and Scooter’s music sucked.”

The group then ascended to the kitchen and played cards by the ambient light of an oil lantern. Each claimed victory in a series of games, but all were winners, for they consumed the warming beer from the refrigerator.

Soon, however, the beer ran scarce, but the House had a proverbial ace up its sleeve. After a scavenger hunt in the downstairs fridge commenced, the trio discovered a trove of beer hidden by the passing years. These beverages were immediately paraded up the stairs in a victory cavalcade.

“It actually turned out quite fun,” Scooter reminisced. “We were forced to be pragmatic, and when that happens, good things happen. I was proud to be a part of it, and mostly, I was proud of the beer.”

The following afternoon, the power returned, and yet, the most unexpected thing occurred. The House experienced sadness. With power came a humdrum return to the everyday. It was even reported that the Blue House itself dripped a drop of blue paint as a symbolical tear.

“I was a little said,” Nickle said. “I wished for another storm, and while they did come, the power remained. It really wasn’t fair. At first the storm was frightening, but then it became a blessing. Oh well. I guess, when the next one comes, I’ll have to throw the breaker to make sure we get the most out of it.”

Mustangs were a common victim of the past week's storms.

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — In the wake of a week of news-making thunderstorms and tornados, citizens local to the House have been sharing their own dramatic storm stories. Strangely, and perhaps expectedly, they all sound eerily similar.

“A tree fell on my neighbor’s car,” one impacted citizen said. “He had pulled it out to clean out his garage when the storm hit. A tree fell flat into the back of it—shattering the windshield. It’s a 1967 Mustang with fully original everything—even the paint.”

Another devastating citizen had a horrifying tale:

“My house ended up fine,” he said, “but my neighbor, boy did he get it bad. A tree fell through his car. It was awful. The car was a fully original something, a Mustang, I think.”

And while it seemed that this storm was only out for classic automobiles, another story came to light:

“That storm was the worst I ever did see,” the citizen said. “A tree crashed right through my neighbor’s house. I felt so bad for him and his family. You know what the kicker was? They called their house ‘Mustang’.”

The exact reason they titled their house this remains a mystery. But the storm was no mystery. The storm was frightful mess. Take, for example, this alarmed person’s story:

“I live on a farm,” she said. “My husband’s a farmer. Imagine that. Anyway, the storm hit our crops badly, but what really irks me the most is that a tree cracked and fell on my favorite horse—killing him instantly. He was a good Mustang.”

So while these stories all end with trees killing Mustangs, one must remember that it is probably a simple law of nature. Mustangs live, and Mustangs die. Let the trees do the rest. This last story is the one that really brought it home.

“I was sitting on my chair drinking my whiskey when the storm came in. My power went out immediately. So, I just sat there and drank my whiskey. The next day, I finally got up and went to the cabinet to get a bag of chips, and would you believe it, as I grabbed the first chip, the power came back on. The chip I held in my hand was the exact shape of…”

It seems any moron could predict where this story was going.

“…Abraham Lincoln,” the man said.

Perhaps, not every moron.

“And then,” the man said, “a tree fell on my brand-new Mustang.”

The verdict is in: all storm stories suck.

Corey and Shauna cut the cake following their wedding on Friday night.

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — On Friday evening, Corey Mac married his longtime love, Shauna Margetson, at the Knoxville Botanical Gardens. The ceremony was intimate and humble but possessed all the spontaneity and charisma that have come to define Corey Mac himself. The Blue House was proud to be in attendance for such an occasion.

Now, considering this is a respectable publication that must follow all media convention—especially in covering a wedding—the anticipated question must be asked: how was the dress?

“Well,” Jeff L. Horner said, “Corey looked spectacular. He really did. He lit up like a new diamond.”

Corey’s tuxedo consisted of an elegant vest punctuated by black slacks and a pair of high-class pumps. Shauna looked nice as well; she wore a wedding dress.

“Her dress was very nice,” Horner said. “It was white. I heard a bunch of girls tell her that she looked beautiful. So I guess the dress was great. To be honest, I have little experience in this field.”

All agree, however, that Corey Mac looked spectacular. He was flanked on the garden stage by his colorful array of groomsmen, who sported the same apparel. In an ode to the humbleness of the scene, Corey’s best man, John Carlisle, left his cherished Mohawk colorless, which only added to the intimacy of the ceremony.

When the two lovebirds finally uttered their ‘I Dos’, Shauna erupted in a dolphin shrill of joy. “Eeeeeeeeeee” was heard in all corners of the city as the ultimate dream of this respected couple was realized.

The wedding was followed by an invigorating reception that served only to galvanize the whole evening into our memories forever. From all of us here at The Blue House Lives, we wish Corey and Shauna many happy years together.

With Corey's Bachelor Party Video steeped in rumor, the final product will premiere at his party on Saturday.

BLUE HOUSE — With Corey’s Bachelor Party quickly approaching, only two things are certain. One is that women’s hearts are breaking across the planet with the news that Corey Mac is soon to tie the knot. And two is that a new bachelor party video will soon premiere. Considering that this publication could not care less about the hearts of Earth’s women, the video is certainly the highlight of the whole gala.

Few details have emerged regarding the film, however. A recent announcement stated that the piece is to play in staggering, real-time 2D. This is clearly a step up from Duncan’s video, which only aired in staggering 2D. And while a teaser trailer has been released, lips are firmly sealed concerning the storyline.

“Perhaps the bar was set a little high with Duncan’s Bachelor Party video,” Scooter said. “With this video, just don’t expect too much. You’ll love it.”

M.C. Fox, a veteran among video-editors, engaged in an epic battle with Pinnacle Studio over the video. It seemed that while Fox wanted to give Corey a memorable video, Pinnacle had too little memory to perform simple operations. Curses rent the air as Fox tried to tame the program, and yet Pinnacle proved as tame as any T-Rex by repeatedly hurling glitches and freezes at the frustrated editor.

And even with these setbacks, the rumors continue. Some eccentric rumor mongers have even said that a Blue House film crew was spotted in Japan working on the bachelor video. Most, however, dismiss this story as foolish speculation.

With the video in such a cloud of uncertainty, it is now questioned whether the party will be worthwhile at all. If the video proves forgettable, will anyone maintain the desire to party?

“That,” Scooter said, “depends on the video. No one likes to party after a bad video.”

Fox, however, has supreme confidence in the party. “The video,” he said, “can be only one of two things, good or bad. If it’s really good, you have to party. And if it’s really bad, you have to party.”

He then raised his arms to the air like a champion and declared, “I like to party. I like to party.”

Smokey's air raid on The Porch easily defeated the hornet that stung her in the face.

THE PORCH — Unexpectedly and forcibly, Smokey launched an air assault on The Porch today. Her mission was to avenge an “unprovoked” sting to her face by an ill-tempered hornet on Saturday.

Smokey stated that she had only been courting the hornet into a prospective trade agreement. Trade agreements are rare between felines and insects, but Smokey expressed a keen interest in salmon imports. In return, she promised the hornet unlimited access to The Porch. However, when Smokey leaned in to perform what she labeled “a cordial embrace,” the hornet struck. She attempted to shrug it off but was mildly stung in the side of the face.

She earned retribution this morning with a series of air raids designed to unseat the hornet. Her weapons included brake cleaner missiles and stuffed carrot bombs. Shortly after the attack commenced, the hornet and its small band of insect allies were decidedly exterminated.

“The strike was very well-coordinated,” Jeff L. Horner, Director of Kitty Studies at Blue House University, said. “Whether or not Smokey’s stated intentions are true, the sparks of a conflict were here, but through her strength, they were quickly extinguished.”

The attack was the first use of aggression by Smokey since her arrival at the Blue House. She displayed an acute decision-making ability combined with a courageous spirit. The insect community, no doubt, will now take note of Smokey as a substantial force. But should Lionelle, the House’s queen of felines, be concerned?

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Horner said. “It is doubtful that Smokey will unleash her air force again.”

He then sat speechless for a moment.

“Unless,” he said, “salmon learn to fly.”

The beast before it began feeding.

When most people think of Mckay Used Books, their thoughts are fond ones. Thoughts of taking one’s unwanted items and exchanging them for a handful of personal treasures. Whether you leave with armfuls of books, some dvds, or a couple of video games you couldn’t afford to buy at retail; generally you leave happier than when you left. However no one ever stops to think where all those hidden gems come from. “I found the collector’s edition of Lamb!” “Who would trade in Bioshock and Fallout 3?!?”

Today I bring you a behind the scenes look into the true nature of the beast called McKay’s.

My first trip to McKay’s was in the Summer of 2009. I was innocent then. I just took in some old text books, a few movies I’d replaced with Collector’s editions, and a couple games I hadn’t played in months. After accumulating over $100 in store credit I left with 6 dvds I’d been looking for forever as well as 4 amazing movie posters. I was on cloud nine. What I didn’t know, however, is that I had walked into a trap. McKay had my scent, and it’s a ruthless hunter.

I think I may have started at the wrong point. Way back in 2004 I graduated high school, and burnt out on the go to school for 40 hours and study for another 30 routine, I went almost immediately into the work force. I found a job working the night shift at Lowe’s. 9p.m. to 6a.m. Monday through Friday. This schedule ran counter to most opportunities to spend my hard earned cash in person. That’s when I joined Columbia House. This was back when you were still rewarded for being a member. Every other week brand new movies were buy one get one free and you earned 2-4 points per dvd. Every 20 was another free movie. Shipping was a low 99 cents per disc and no tax was charged. I had always had a passion for the cinema and with those rates, by dvd collection grew. Quickly my 48 dvd shelf was left obsolete and before long, not even my 150 count shelf could contain it. I took pride in that collection (which was easily on par with that of Danny Butterman’s in Hot Fuzz. ) At the time of my first visit to McKay’s my collection was at roughly 400 disks. I had my own exclusive Blockbuster (I even charged certain relatives rental/late fees to insure I got my discs back in proper condition in a timely manner.). Never did I imagine the horror that was to come. By this time Columbia House had gone from a nice way to buy DVD’s at roughly 1/3 to 1/2 of retail to a ponzi scheme. $3 shipping per disk, jacked up prices, (increasingly so on bonus cash transactions) and sales tax for the full retail price of everything. My collection started to slow it’s growth. I was forced to turn to Ebay, hoping for legitimate copies of my purchases. It took a full 28 months for my collection to reach it’s pinnacle at 585 discs. This was after a dead summer in which only 3 movies were added to the collection. McKay’s had my scent and it wanted blood. Pulling off the greatest Blitzkrieg scene since the 2nd World War, McKay’s struck cutting my prized collection in half. 585 was taken to 253 overnight. I awoke with gaping holes where timeless classics and personal favorites had previously been. At first I was dumbstruck. I hoped against reason running to my roommate to see if he had borrowed them to make a DVD castle or some other multimedia monument. No such luck, when I returned to my room, I noticed that my dvd’s weren’t the only thing that had been disturbed. My wallet lay open with freshly printed check for $183.47 and a little yellow slip reading McKay Yellow Trade 295.69. McKay had been intimidated by the growing size of a competitor. The deed had been done. I went to confront the scoundrel, but was defeated again. I went to try to fix a wrong, but was weak. A selection of Christopher Moore Novel’s, and a handful of 360 games, and a couple of box set’s distracted me. I realized only after I was walking through the doors that I had been duped. I tried to return, but the doors had been sealed behind me.

I thought that it was over then, but I was a fool. I began working on my collection again, this time going for style over substance. Hoping that I could remain unnoticed. However that was not to be. The monster known as McKay has struck again, claiming another 23 DVDs. Well, 35 to be precise, but some sets were involved. If you take away the 12 additional discs included in those sets away from 35, you get 23…

McKay’s refuses to leave my DVD collection alone. A collection that once covered 5 shelfs, now barely covers two, and I’ll I have to show for it is around 10 books, several video games and blue rays and around $300 in cash. I fear the monster won’t rest until I have no DVDs left and few shelves full of Blue Rays.

The MX-6 started and unleashed an uncontrollable cloud of smoke or, to M.C. Fox, "a cloud of glory."

THE GARAGE — Last weekend, The Blue House heard an extraordinary noise. The cause? The MX6 (a.k.a. Gibraltar) fired up for the first time in a very, very long time. Fumes of hard work diffused throughout the house, filling the air with proud molecules of carbon monoxide. House members stood in awe as they made attempts to protect their eardrums while watching the miraculous display.

“I’ve never heard such noise before. Ever since I joined the Blue House, all I knew the MX6 was capable of was sitting there in dull silence. I was wrong,” Nickle told the BHL.

“Oh that noise. That’s just the open headers,” M.C Fox explained.

When a car has open headers, there is no exhaust system installed, and the motor sounds like a powerful thunder storm in an enclosed garage. House members, however, could only take so much of the awesomeness before the light headedness and burning eye sensation kicked in. Residents were forced to evacuate the House and retreat to the sanctity of the Porch.

The show continued sporadically throughout the night in celebration. Even the neighborhood ass, Steve, had to bray in response to the rumbling. Fry-Bry, the House’s Porch Rider and renowned MX6 pessimist, admitted that overcoming that feat was a huge step for Fox in his mission to get The Gibraltar up and running.

“I’m really doing all this for the kids,” Fox told an audience of fellow Car-Domain.com enthusiasts.” I know they don’t get to see one of these beauties too often. But really, it’s for everyone’s viewing pleasures. And it’s fun to drive.” Fox also stated, however, that the car won’t be ready for any shows soon, but things are looking up for next year.

In response to the excitement, Fry-Bry grumbled, “That hunk of metal ain’t going anywhere, brother. Eight-year-olds, dude.”

“I still have a lot of work to do before I enter it into anything just yet. It needs another coat of paint probably.” Fox said.

Although Fox is cautious in his predictions, other House members have faith that they’ll live to see the 6 drive up and down the road someday.

Many claim that the Knoxville area Red Cross has been devoid of volunteers for decades.

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Washington has asked the United States and 50 States to revoke Tennessee’s popular nickname, The Volunteer State. Washingtonians wonder why the state continues to call itself that when it has not made an actual volunteer effort since the war of 1812.

“If they wanted to prove themselves, then now is the time,” challenged Nickle, a long-time dedicated Washingtonian.

“To be honest, I’m a little insulted by these allegations. Why I volunteered just last week for Pellissippi States’ Recycle Mania and won an honorary t-shirt for best recycling maniac,” M.C. Fox proudly responded.

Representatives for the Washington Volunteers Committee explained that the Tennessee Red Cross website has no information on donating towards disaster relief for Japan.

“It’s just sickening that they call themselves Vols and hardly respond when their services are called upon,” a representative for the Evergreen State declared.

The American Red Cross is advertising for relief funds via TV commercials and radio broadcasts urging Americans to donate $10 to their local Red Cross. The Rainier Red Cross, representing multiple counties in Western Washington, displays ways to assist in the Japan earthquake and Pacific Tsunami Response Efforts Front and Center on their webpage. The Knoxville area Red Cross does not.

“I get that the local pages are just that, more localized. But seriously, this was a huge disaster that deserves American attention. All of America,” expressed a Washingtonian volunteer during their final statements.

This image has been proposed a new state seal for Tennessee, as it emphasizes the state's lack of volunteers.

We are currently awaiting Tennessee’s response to the allegations from the West. The Blue House, however, will not stand for such blasphemy.

“If it’s volunteering they want, then it’s volunteering they’ll get,” declared Scooter. “I will drive everyone down to the Sunrise Market this instant and make a $20 donation. How dare those hacky-sacking liberals tell the Vols we don’t volunteer enough.” The Blue House itself has been actively engaged in such selfless operations as recycling and donating.

With the threat of their proud state title possibly being stripped away, can The Blue House get enough Tennesseans to make donations towards the Japan relief fund as an act of volunteerism?

“It’s doubtful,” most Washingtonians said.