This image represents what many now believe to be Lionelle's biological father.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The story of Lionelle’s first contact with the House is rather well-known. None can doubt her courage as she braved a desolate railroad in her journey to link up with House. None can also doubt the sheer generosity possessed by the House in her subsequent adoption. When Lionelle was found on the railroad tracks, it is said that a new star burst forth in the heavens. Such miracles have yet to be proven, however.

Following her adoption, however, members of the House struggled to establish anything concrete about her. No one knew her breed, her age, or even her gender. She was initially named Lionel, after the renowned rail corporation. It was only when she went into heat and terrorized Caudle, in response to the wanton cruelty he’d rained down upon her, that it was firmly established that she was, indeed, a female. Therefore, her official title became Lionelle, as in the Southern Belle of lions. The House, coincidently, had no idea how close they were to her true origin.

Fast forward a few years to a trip to the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. by the ever-adventurous Nickle and Scooter where Lionelle’s true parentage may have been discovered. As the two adventurers approached the big cats section of the park, they were treated with a exceedingly loud display. One of the featured lions of the zoo, who’s stature can only be described as picturesque, seemed to recognize Nickle and Scooter and began howling uncontrollably.

“Did he say Lionelle?” Nickle asked.

“I believe so,” Scooter said.

It appeared that the lion knew of the House and its celebrated tenants and decided to make an unexpected appeal. The lion knew of Lionelle, and he wanted her back. Nickle and Scooter, as any responsible adventurer would do, simply let the lion be. They walked away, but not before Scooter filmed a short sequence displaying the lion’s howl and pent-up desperation.

Here is that same footage:

No one can deny the close resemble between the lion and Lionelle.

What does this mean for Lionelle? Is this her real father? The similarities can’t be denied. The two felines share the same eyes and overall body structure. They also both share an insatiable hunting appetite. Finally, they are both considered two of the most glorious creatures in all the animal kingdom. If this lion is her real father, should Lionelle be forced to leave the Blue House and her auspicious situation therein? Or, and this scenario terrifies most people that frequent the House: should the lion be transferred captivities from the zoo to the House? Perhaps, the controversy will be settled as most is settled in our modern era: with no one acting at all. Perhaps, the lion should remain at the zoo crying for his lost kitten, and Lionelle should remain a symbol of pride for the entire House.

Boulder has now claimed their second straight Goldblum Cup.

CHARLESTON, SC – Leonard Strike smashed a grand slam in the second inning that put Boulder up 5-1, and the Bunions never looked back. They went on to beat Charleston 15-7, claiming their second straight Goldblum Cup.

Unlike most of the postseason, this game was never in doubt for Boulder. They amassed a 13-0 lead before Charleston recorded their first hit. That hit did not come until the sixth inning. Charleston’s pitching was utterly torn to shreds by Boulder’s bruising offense. The Bunions tallied 18 hits and scored 15 runs from them.

Boulder’s pitching, on the other hand, was top-notch for most of the game. Things may have seemed grim when starter Steve Reynolds left the game in the first inning with an injured finger, but reliever Jacob Tinley marched in and held the Windjammers hitless for four innings. By that time, Boulder could have already popped open the champagne. Charleston, for the third consecutive game, failed to hit a home run.

No matter how it may have seemed after the Paxton Championship Series and the opening game of the Goldblum Cup, Boulder is still the dominant team in BH Baseball. Now, they perch high atop the mountain with two trophies. This team could be stretching out and reigning over a dynasty.

Fox's SVX features the ability to travel anywhere in any time.

“Have you ever heard the famous car quote: the car chooses you?” asks M.C Fox after purchasing his Subaru SVX. Fox excites over the arrival of his dream car, announcing to everyone that “yet another car wanted him.”

Fox’s luxury and performance vehicle comes with features such as climate control, smoke guard window covers, and the ability to travel back in time, to the 90′s. “The SVX is his DeLorean” observes Corey-Mac. “The Subaru SVX and the DeLorean DMC-12, as seen in the movie Back to the Future, have more similarities than a normal human can observe. Only a highly trained car eye, like Fox’s, can see that right away.

Unlike his Mazda-3 and MX-6, the SVX isn’t about developing speed, but rather skipping through time and space all together. “It’s concurrent with the television series LOST, and  they’re take on time travel” Senior LOST analyst Scooter compares. “In Season 4, episode “The Constant” Desmond’s conscious jumps in and out of two time periods: the present and the Past. I believe Fox can do the same while driving the SVX.”

The SVX was once referred to as a cross between Porsche engineering and Jaguar refinement. It is said to have superb handling, is built solid like a tank and remains stylish beyond everything. But these features aren’t why Fox waited 26 years for the car. It was the hidden flux capacitor that caught his attention. His SVX is high tech and powered by plutonium, instead of the usual gasoline and Nos. The intensity of the flux capacitor has presumably deteriorated the car’s battery, leaving behind an unfamiliar and odorous fume looming in The Downstairs. When asked about the switch from Nos to plutonium power, Scooter logically concluded “Nos is desirable for road speed, but Fox doesn’t need Nos, because where he’s going, he doesn’t need roads.”

Many claim that the SVX is the closest relative to the DeLorean DMC-12 Time Machine.

Eyewitness statements reveal that “When Fox takes off in that car, all you see is a blur of fanny packs, acid washed jeans, and flannel as he leaves The Driveway and enters a different time period.” Fox claims that, though his passion for the SVX is there, he would not neglect his other loves in The Garage.

Boulder now leads the Goldblum Cup 3-1 and is one victory away from repeating as BH Baseball champions. For Charleston fans, however, the championship dream is dangling on a precipice. In the last three games, the Windjammers have led through most of the game but gave it up to Boulder in the seventh and eighth innings. Josh Hughett sees the problem as a strictly pitching issue. “Our lack of depth is showing,” he said. “Our starting nine is just as good as their starting nine, maybe better, but our relief is just inexperienced.”

Charleston hopes to stay alive and win Game 5 on Wednesday. A victory would send the series back to Boulder, where the Windjammers captured their only triumph of the Cup.

Karch Kiraly was once again effective on the mound for the Windjammers. He allowed one run on five hits in seven innings. It was Nu’Keese Richardson who came in in the eighth and blew the game. Boulder quickly amassed three hits which included Mike Dunn’s go-ahead home run.

“This has been a grueling series already,” Striker said following the game. “Just getting a win right now takes everything we’ve got.” But get the win Boulder did, and now they hold the advantage in a series where many critics were writing them off. Contrary to the beginning of the Cup, Charleston is now the team that must gather up their confidence and take it to Boulder.

Some writers, however, were not surprised by Boulder’s close win in Charleston. “Boulder winning in Charleston should not be a surprise,” Jeff L. Horner, BH Baseball sportswriter said. “All season, they have proved to be a much better road team than a home team. If I’m Charleston, I just want to survive to get back to Boulder.”

Game 4 will be at I.O.P. Park in Charleston on Tuesday night.

In the eighth inning, McElroy hit the tying home run, and he was followed later in the inning by Sergeant Carter, who crushed a three-run shot to put the Bunions ahead for good.

“It was fast-paced, high-offensive game,” Striker said of his team’s victory. “I’m glad we were able to win one of this type. Our team is far from perfect, but we made great strides toward a championship tonight.”

Charleston’s pitching, for the first time in the postseason, let them down. Their offense definitely gave them an opportunity to win by holding a 10-5 through the seventh inning, but the guys on the mound just couldn’t bottle up Boulder’s bruising batters. “We have to make some adjustments defensively,” Josh Hughett said of his team. “We can’t play like this and expect to win.”

Game 3 will be Sunday night from I.O.P. Field in Charleston, South Carolina.

On the night, Charleston hit ten home runs, a BH Baseball single-game record. Three of the ten emanated from Josh Hughett’s bat. “I was just in the rhythm,” Hughett said after the game. “Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you do, you hit a home run.”

Boulder’s usually powerful offense was stifled by the superb pitching of Karch Kiraly, whose postseason E.R.A. remains under 1.00. Boulder only amassed two runs on nine hits, turning in one of the most inefficient performances of the season.

The question is now whether Boulder can regain their battered confidence while holding off a surging Charleston club. Game 2 is tomorrow night from Dr. Scholl’s Field in Boulder.

The Boulder Bunions fought off a late Wichita rally to win the game and the series 10-8 on Monday evening. Wichita clearly took the mighty Boulder Bunions closer to the edge than any other team ever has. The game is now being discussed as the greatest BH Baseball game of all-time. Boulder led 7-4 until the seventh inning when Wichita put up three runs to tie the contest at 7. It was then that Jonathan Mitchell, the hero from Game 6, knocked a go-ahead home run over the wall in left field. Boulder quickly tied the game in the bottom of the seventh on a Matt Talley homer.

The game went the ninth tied at 8, and it was there that Sergeant Carter became the hero. His home run was definitely one of the most dramatic moments of all the baseball games ever played. It would seem perfectly fitting to end the season on such a note, but no, Boulder must now go ahead to the Goldblum Cup and tackle the Pierce Brosnan Champion Charleston Windjammers.

The air quality is so bad in Seattle that downtown is barely visible.

SEATTLE, Wash. – A recent report indicated that the air quality in Washington State is far worse than any other state. The air is so bad, in fact, that many researchers have declared that the air is better in Hell than in the Evergreen State.

Why the air is so bad is actually not much of a mystery. “It’s Washington,” one renowned researcher said. “Everything is bad. Why shouldn’t the air be bad too?” Washington is known for its overcast haziness, but with this new report, it can safely be said that the cloudiness is certainly related to the poor air.

The barely breathable environment is also responsible for the disfigured appearance of most Washington citizens. “If there’s anything closer to a zombie than a Washingtonian,” Jeff L. Horner, BHL virtuoso said, “I don’t know what it is.” Considering most Washingtonians are characterized by hideousness, it is of no wonder that the populous sold the coveted Space Needle to the dreamy Jonas Brothers.

Appeals are indubitably expected later in the week. These appeals, however, are expected to come from Hell rather than Washington. “I can’t believe our home would even be compared to Washington,” the Devil’s spokesperson said following the report. “It is an insult to what we’ve tried to build here. To compare us to that cesspool of a state is an insult to our minimal cleanliness.”

Tourists to the Evergreen State (if there are any) are advised to don HAZMAT suits.

Jeff L. Horner commented, “You know you’re state’s bad when even Hell doesn’t want to be in the same sentence with it.” Perhaps it is lucky for the rest of the nation that Congressional officials have voted to erect a giant wall around Washington. Some, however, say that the wall doesn’t go far enough. “What Washington needs is a bubble around it,” one congressman said. “I should be like that new Stephen King book. That would be the only real way of keeping the filth from infected the rest of the country.”

The Monarchs are leaving Manchester (NH) and settling in St. Paul, MN.

BH BASEBALL PALACE – It is official: the league is expanding yet again. This fall’s expansion will be the largest since BH Baseball’s formation. Eight new teams will join, making it 24 overall. The new teams will be part of another league and division renovation that promises to deliver more in-season and postseason excitement. Two new division, the Atlantic and Pacific, will realign teams in both the Pierce Brosnan and Bill Paxton leagues. The Manchester Monarchs are officially moving to St. Paul, Minnesota, and will take the name Minnesota Monarchs.

The eight new teams are as follows: Atlanta D’Heads, Florida (Sarasota) Winners, Iowa (Des Moines) Fast Boys, Monterey (CA) Monkeys, Nevada (Reno) Aces, New Orleans Shooters, Philadelphia Tide Rollers, and the Salt Lake Grid.

Here’s a rundown of the divisional arrangements:

Pierce Brosnan League

Bill Paxton League