The Awards Show promises to outshine all other awards show, but sadly, the event is closed to the prying public.

THE PALACE AT BLUE HOUSE CENTRAL – On Sunday, The Blue House Lives holds its first annual year-end awards banquet. Many of the nominees, and some of the winners, have been known now for some time, but the event promises to be one of mythic proportions. A rampart collection of Blue House notables will be in attendance as they gather to honor each other’s achievements. However, most will stand tall and pay homage to this humble publication, through which they have been given a voice for the past months.

The venue for the event will be the newly-constructed (and only recently imagined) Palace at Blue House Central. Sadly, the event will be closed to the public as the aforementioned Palace is conspicuously hidden from plain sight. Jeff L. Horner, longtime friend of our esoteric editor, stated regarding the venue, “The place was constructed so that only those worth of The Blue House can find it.”

When asked exactly what is going to be celebrated by the awards show, Horner went on to say, “The show is, essentially, a celebration of America. That’s all we care about. That’s all we ever cared about. It’s America that makes this possible. In fact, we are opening the show with a live performance of Copland’s Hoedown played on the vintage synthesizer.” With that promise, the awards show may go on to set a standard that may never be surpassed.

Here is a brief rundown of the major award categories and their nominees:

“The Bathroom Entertainment Center”

“The Bi-Lo Experience”

“The Milk Thief”

“Bones in “This is Bullshit””

“Dreams Drown as Pool Drains”

“A Tribute to Frank”

Kitty Konflict

“No Washington”

M.C. Fox

Amazon War

Health Care Crisis

Fryin’ Brian

Little Brian

Lionelle

Icehouse Can

Amazon Package

Caudle

Scooter

Pierce Brosnan

Bill Paxton

Jeff Goldblum

“Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull

Dhizzy’s iPod Mix

Whistling of “Theme from Jurassic Park”

Scooter’s Classical Ambiance

Rush Hour

Rush Hour 2

Rush Hour 3

Striker

Couch Surfer

John

Ricky/FIN

Winner of the World

Stray Dogs

Icehouse

Resurrection

Corona

Michelob Lime Cactus

Coors Light

Schlitz

Milk

Vanilla Chai Tea

Coffee

Jim Beam and Dr. Pepper

Water

Lionelle

Ninja

George W. Bush

Thomas Jefferson

Abraham Lincoln

Barack Obama

William Henry Harrison

M.C. Fox

Leelee

Bill Paxton

Nichole

Pierce Brosnan

Bones

Horner's 300 not only trumped Nichole but set a standard for all Wii bowlers.

THE BLUE HOUSE – A milestone has come and went, but the world definitely noticed. A barrier always stood with regard to Wii Bowling. That barrier was a 300. The Blue House Lives previously reported on one respectable athlete’s quest for the 300, but last weekend, one member of The House finally achieved what he referred to as “a dream I never thought would be fulfilled.”

Jeff L. Horner, Esquire, bowled a perfect game by closing out every frame with a strike. Twelve strikes later, and Horner was standing alone on a podium so high that a jumbo jet nearly struck him in the temple. “I really couldn’t believe it,” Horner said. “I started racking up strikes one after the other, but when I reached the tenth frame and realized that I had a perfect game going, butterflies started having orgasms in the gut.”

And yet, even in that daunting final frame, Horner’s stroke stayed true. Three strikes fell, and with them, a touchstone rose from the dust. “This is a big deal,” The Blue House Sports Network published in an official statement. “Perhaps, Horner was, as many say, the most unlikely candidate. Perhaps, he is a little too inconsistent on his stroke. But, and this is a big butt (a Sir Mix-a-lot size but), he came through when no one else did. Now he sits alone atop the bowling world. Cheers to you, Mr. 300.”

“Mr. 300” has become Horner’s de facto nickname since his unprecedented achievement. “I don’t think it’s a bad name,” he said “and it is certainly marketable. I would seriously consider wearing a Mr. 300 t-shirt.” As of yet, however, merchandising options have not been announced.

Following Horner’s accomplishment, many sports pundits are perched on their little chairs yammering into a camera the one question that now dominates the Wii Bowling universe: “Who will be next? Who will get the next 300?” Many point to the previously undisputed champion of Wii Bowling, Fryin’ Brian. “Brian can definitely get it,” one such pundit commented. “There is little doubt that he wants it the most.” Others point to M.C. Fox, world-renowned virtuoso, who took home the Blue House Tournament of Bowling Champions trophy a year ago. And yet, there are even others who point to Nichole C. K. Stevens, the newest addition to The House. In her few months on the circuit, Stevens has racked up quite a bit of respect from Wii Bowling aficionados.

Whether or not any of these players will garner 300 honors is a curiosity whose conclusion may be merely blowing in the wind. There is, however, another possibility to which experts look, and yet, at the present time, this possibility is only something that one can imagine. It cannot be spoken or analyzed. This possibility is harrowing to say the least. It is simply a succinct question: “Can Horner do it again?”

For Baltimore (7-4), the loss may prove to be a minor drawback in a very close Eastern Division race. The Ninjas are in tight competition with Montreal and Manchester for the top spot. Baltimore will return to Johnson City on Tuesday to close out a three-game series.

Can the seemingly superhuman Colts run the bandwagon Saints off their rails?

First things first. The Jets came out with a few shiny plays just for the Colts, in what reminded myself of the Auburn – Alabama game this year. The underdogs came out swinging for the fences, but just couldn’t keep up with the big boys. The Jets got the 17 points that every analyst other than the Houzh gave them, but failed to keep to Colts under that mark for the last two quarters. The Colts will represent the AFC in Miami.

This next bit is going to sound like the whiny complaints of a disappointed and spiteful fan. Therefore I will start by representing both sides. The Vikings didn’t deserve to win. Adrian Peterson failed to open his arms widely enough to receive the ball once, and straight up dropped the ball a second time to kill a drive inside the Saints five yard line just before halftime. He put the ball on the ground a third time, but managed to recover that mistake. Percy Harvin also had a fumble as did Bernard Berrian. Brett Favre threw two interceptions one of which can only be explained by “The luck of the Favre. “ That being said, they still should have won it. There defense played miraculously to keep it a game. The offense managed to come back on their next possession after each turnover. The real problem because obvious during the first quarter. The Saints Defense was trying to hurt Brett Favre, and the referees were going to let them do it. The first quarter alone saw Darren Sharper, Brett’s form Packer team mate lowered his helmet and hit Brett in the chin after one pass was thrown. Later that drive Bobby McCray, A.K.A the biggest douche bag the league has seen since Albert Haynesworth, committed helmet to helmet contact twice after that on the same drive. One of those three penalties was called. This behavior continued the entire game. At one point Brett Favre had dropped back 25 times and been hit 11 times after the throw. Seven of those hits were with helmets lowered. One was a pile drive, which was obvious to everyone except for Troy Aikman, who was either drunk is has been rendered punch drunk by the amount of concussions he suffered over his career. Even the refs felt the need to call that one, as it is one of the new rules that is strictly enforced. However another of the leagues new rules, which single handedly won the Patriots as game vs. the Ravens, went ignored. The rule is simple:

A player may not forcefully and intentionally strike a quarterback in, or below the knees. This rule was designed for Tom Brady after he went down in last year’s season opener vs. the Chiefs. The rule has been highly recognized and called throughout the year. After the first of Brett’s interceptions Bobby McCray dove full speed into the back of Brett’s legs injuring his left ankle. No flag was thrown, so instead of First Down and Ten from inside the Saint’s 30 yard line, the Vikings found there defense taking the field once again. All in all Brett still had a chance to win in the two minute drive as the Vikings were in Ryan Longwell’s range. An untimely penalty forced to Vikings to take to the air and Brett Favre threw his that pass that might haunt him for the rest of his life for the 2nd time in three years.

The Game goes to overtime and the Saints get the ball. Vikings lose. Every Vikings and Favre fan new it then and there. However the Vikings defense stops Peirre Thomas on 4th down by dislodging the ball from his grasp as he attempts the first down. The first down marker can even be easily seen behind him in the close up of the ball shifting. The ball never crosses the marker. However first down Saints. Next the sure handed Meachum drops a sure catch forcing Hartley to attempt a 52 yard kick to win the game, or the refs can ignore the fact that the tail of the ball touched the ground and place it at the 22 and give the Saints the win. So yeah the Saints win the most vulgar lopsided game that has ever been witnessed. They blood-thirstily ignored the rules and tried to take Brett Favre out of the game. Officials turned blind eye after blind eye and…….

Oh. A Bush was in attendance and is a Saints fan. That makes sense.

Super Bowl Preview

February 7th, 2010

Miami, Florida

New Orleans Saints vs. the Indianapolis Colts

The scene is too large. McCray isn’t allowed to simple ignore the rules and beat the ever living shit out of Peyton Manning after the ball is thrown. Personal Fouls aren’t ignored because the play clock for the first quarter runs out with a live ball still in play. The Replay officials actually watch what happens and make adjustments accordingly. Pass interference isn’t called on a ball that was thrown seven feet over the head of Colston. The Colts win:

Colts 38 – Saints 28 – Referees 0 (it’s the Super Bowl)

Also I would like to state for the record:

If an apology isn’t made to the Vikings for the horrible calls that handed the Saints the game, I hereby resign as an NFL commentator. I am disgusted at how one sided games have been called for the home teams, during certain games this year. The Ravens – Patriots game was horrid. The Vikings – Steelers game was even worse. This game made me physically sick. Everyone who watched the game should be entitled to $20 movie voucher for the time wasted watching a game that had a decided out come before it had even started. This fact was made abundantly clear when a Brett Favre Sears commercial that states “I’ll see you in Miami, or will I?” was aired for the first and only time in the commercial break that lead to half time. Yeah. I’m done. I have never seen a game more clearly given to the other team, and yes I did watch the AFC Championship game where the Tuck A.K.A. Brady rule was invented.

Hampton’s Record: 23-16 (.590)
Become a friend of the Hampton Forecast on Facebook. Click Here

Ninja delivered his State of The House address to a crowded Kitchen.

THE KITCHEN– The State of The House address was given recently by elected Kitty of the Year, Ninja, to a fully-packed House conference session. The speech was given on the floor of The Kitchen, where Ninja sat tall and erect on a stool at The Kitchen counter. As always, the presiding officer, Princess Sophia Banana-Hammock, also Ninja’s rumored mistress, sat directly behind him as he addressed The House’s current problems.

Among the topics Ninja covered in his speech were proposals for House deficit reduction, more importation of goods, and health care reform.  It has been said by many House members that Ninja’s love for chicken put The House under financially. His economic goals now circulate around cutting back spending to lower the deficit, so The House can continue to import more chicken.

Following the speech, Lionelle stood up to deliver the opposing response from the floor of The Kitchen. Lionelle questioned Ninja’s ability to deliver his promises, citing health care reform as an example. Ninja plans on investing in building cleaner litter box facilities, yet Lionelle claims his inability to stick to one litter box is the cause for the dirty bathrooms’ condition.

House members also doubt Ninja’s proposals for deficit reduction. “How can we save money when Ninja demands more and more chicken each day?” questions speech attendee Nichole Stevens. “I don’t know what more Ninja can do about the deficit. He already cut funding to most of The House research programs” Jeff L. Horner posted on his blog earlier. Ninja has cut The Blue House’s space exploration funding in attempts to cut back spending, while talk about Lionelle’s airline proposition, called Air Kitty, is gaining popularity.

Lionelle's complementary mimosa's serve as a popular attraction on Air Kitty.

Despite criticism towards Ninja’s decisions as elected Kitty of the Year, he still has a strong network of supporters standing behind him, including all of The Corner Room. As far as The East Wing is concerned, Lionelle’s support is growing every day.

For Manchester, the loss marks their second in a row, and guarantees them a second-place tie in the Eastern Division. The  lead now goes to the winner of the Balitmore versus Montreal game later today. Charleston and Manchester meet again on Tuesday for game two of their three-game series.

For Hawai’i (5-1), the loss marks their first of the season, and it destroyed the visage of invincibility they had accrued through the first weeks of the season. The Kats, however, still command a one-game lead in the Western Division as they are set to begin a six-game home stand with San Antonio on Saturday. Tacoma finally gets to travel home after six games to play Boulder on Saturday.

Virginia (2-4) lost their second straight game for the first time this season. Their offense failed to produce, and only tallied six hits for the entire game. Their only highlight was a double by Jeffrey Hansen. Virginia heads home to play Whisker City on Saturday. That same day, Wichita stays in their own ballpark to play Johnson City.

Charleston (0-6) continues to look for answers as the losses keep piling up. Tyler Smith, Grant Hughett and Josh Hughett all hit home runs, but otherwise, the offense looked extremely shoddy. The Windjammers prepare for a three-game series with Manchester starting Saturday, while Montreal serves up three against Baltimore.