Blue House Adventure launched recently to nearly a handful of eager video gamers.

It has finally arrived. After months of speculation and hype, Blue House Adventure, the biggest House game to date, was released to imagined crowds across the world.

The game allows a player to explore the House, its grounds, and secret underground caverns. Along the journey, hidden treasures are discovered as well as the House’s colorful cast of characters.

The game was released in a limited number only. In fact, only three copies have been produced. Only one of those copies has a proper case because the Blue House’s inkjet printer ran out of color ink.

However, Blue House Adventure created a stir, and it is rumored that five actual people, including two-thirds of the House’s residents, have actually played it. The game may have also aroused curiosity elsewhere.

When it comes to reviews, though, Blue House Adventure stands above all other mainstream games. It stands atop the list of fewest reviews in video game history. So far, it has accrued a staggering zero reviews. However, an intern for the Blue House Lives is currently mustering the courage to compose one.

“I want to be honest,” the intern said, “but I don’t want to lose my job.”

The review is expected soon.

Now the question turns to the future of the Blue House and video games. Many that have not lined up to get Blue House Adventure are not anticipating a sequel, which is rumored to be in the works. Instead, fans of the Blue House Lives, which may number in the teens, are asking, “Where is Super Man-Man Kart, and when can we expect it?”

Before Wiggs’s discovery, this photograph was regarded as the last image of Titanic before she sank.

Wiggs stopped by and entered the House with a spry step. He sauntered straight into the Kitchen wearing a face red with excitement.

“I have to show you something,” he said. “It’s amazing.”

“How amazing?” I said.

Wiggs beamed. “It’s magical.”

I followed him to the driveway where, exhibited to my eyes, was Wiggs’s new car, a Ford Fusion armed with voice-activated everything. The sunlight reflected off its body.

“I’ve seen this before,” I said.

“No, dude,” Wiggs said. “Look what I found in the glove box.”

Wiggs reached into the car and retrieved a small, beaten box. He slid the top off it, and showed me the inside. Resting at the bottom of the box was a small roll of film.

“Have you watched it yet?” I said.

“You won’t believe it,” he said.

And I still don’t believe it. The film impressed The Blue House Lives so much we digitally transferred the footage to our servers and posted it to YouTube for the world to see. Here we present Wiggs’s marvelous find. Here we present “Lost Footage of Titanic.”

The promises all Blue House characters.

After Man-Man released the highly successful and innovative John Carlisle Flash game, the Blue House pulled its energy and creativity together again. The House now prepares to present Blue House Adventure, a point-and-click quest that rivals, in sheer grandiosity, every video ever made.

“It’s an adventure like no other,” Scooter said. “It may redefine the word epic.”

The game promises to deliver all the excitement of the Blue House with a realistic story framed in a realistic setting. Everything from Fryin’ Brian on the Porch to the Secret Garden can be explored in detail. Sprinkled throughout the game are House-themed objects for players to collect and use.

A release date has been set for later this summer, but the House hopes to leak a demonstration during the early weeks of July. Until then, all further reporting must be postponed. Soon, we will have playable demo and be able to project some hands-on impressions.

This blurry image is the only photo released of the rare Waterworld Best Move Ever Eddition.

The discovery of this DVD begs a bigger question, though: is Waterworld the best movie ever?

“I’ll remember some of the sights in Waterworld for a long time,” noted film reviewer Roger Ebert wrote. “But I won’t necessarily want to see them again¹.”

Ebert’s review, however, falls short of Man-Man’s. “It’s the best movie ever,” he said, “period.”

The film follows a stone-faced Kevin Costner into a futuristic world where Earth is covered in water. Initially, the picture looks like Mad Max in a swimming pool, but an acute observer would see the film’s originality.

“The movie actually has it all,” Nickle said. “It has heroes, villain, ramping jetskis and Kevin Costner with gills.”

While Waterworld was originally panned by critics, it has aged well since its 1995 release. With a steady growth in positive reviews over the years, it may be regarded as the greatest film ever made in a matter of decades.

“This film is destined to become a cult classic,” Scooter said. “I would not be surprised if we one day see Kevin Costner’s gills in the Smithsonian.”

It is questionable, however, if this film will garner the future attention the Blue House believes it will. Most film historians are confident that Waterworld will be relegated to lists of the biggest flops in film history. The Blue House argues against this confidence and uses the Best Move Ever Eddition [sic] as evidence.

“It’s going to happen,” Man-Man said. “Waterworld will be the best. Everyone will say it.”

Some skeptics even challenge the credibility of the DVD case. It looks homemade, they say. The Blue House, however, thinks differently.

“I don’t know who put the label there,” Scooter said. “If it were any other film, I would note the similarity between the it and the label maker in the East Wing. But it’s Waterworld, so I believe the copy is genuine.”

¹Roger Ebert. “Waterworld.” rogerebert.com. July 25, 1995.

<http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19950728/REVIEWS/507280305>

How will the House manage without Bloodsport playing downstairs?

DOWNSTAIRS – It roundhouse-kicked one DVD player. It terrorized guests for months. Bloodsport played incessantly for what seemed like an eternity, but recently, out-of-the-blue, its reign over the downstairs television came to an end. Now, Blue House insiders are begging the question: what will replace Bloodsport?

Bloodsport’s reign began months ago when Man-Man discovered that the film’s DVD played continuously without pressing on the opening menu. The martial arts film, starring the uncanny Jean-Claude Van Damme, became the grand exhibition of House, as fans travelled from as far away as Las Vegas to witness it.

“It seemed that it would never end,” one guest said. “I thought Bloodsport would play forever.”

Most Americans agreed. A careful Blue House Lives survey showed that 96 percent of normal Americans believed that Bloodsport would play on until the end-of-time. It had simply become a House tradition.

But, eventually, tragedy struck as Bloodsport was silenced.

“I don’t know,” Scooter said. “It doesn’t feel the same down there now. I’m used to the Chong-Li chants and repetitive airhorns.”

Now, however, the question revolves around a replacement. What will take over as the official movie of the downstairs? Well, recently, Man-Man discovered that Lethal Weapon, starring Mel Gibson and the indomitable Danny Glover, also plays continuously in the same manner as Bloodsport. Will Lethal Weapon replace Bloodsport? Will “Okay, U.S.A.” be supplanted by Roger Murtaugh’s immortal line “I’m too old for this shit?”

When Scooter replaced the net on the basketball goal, a whole-scale renovation was triggered.

Play this for maximum story impact:

DRIVEWAY – This week, Scooter invested in a new net for the Blue House basketball goal, and it initiated a large-scale renovation. The driveway has now transformed into one of the premier basketball venues in the country.

Before the renewal, the court was simply a driveway, an old store-bought goal, and a decaying hoop and net. Now, it is vamped-up to challenge modern NBA arenas. While it may be doubtful to some that the Blue House will ever get its own NBA franchise, the goal’s renovation is stylish as well as ambitious.

Once Scooter installed the new and unveiled the new basketball he acquired on sale at Wal-Mart, the court drastically improved. The House installed small bleachers so a handful of lucky people could witness intense matches of 21 and HORSE. Demand, however, soon forced supply, and the House upped the bleachers to arena-style seating which can hold upwards of twenty thousand people.

“The level of play combined with entertainment-value required an expansion,” Scooter said.

Some residents, however, had their doubts.

“Using it for basketball is dumb,” Man-Man said. “More people would watch if I just parked the SVX in the middle of the court.”

Scooter, of course, disagreed, believing that the court should be used for roundball only.

“They’re both stupid,” Nickle said. “You want to fill up the arena? Take out the basketball court and just show Jurassic Park.”

The venue has yet to host anything yet except for Scooter’s highly publicized shoot-arounds in the afternoon. Those practices have drawn an average of only fourteen thousand people. In the meantime, Scooter is trying to get Marv Albert to commentate a game of HORSE between House residents and guests.

If it happens, the road to a professional team may be short indeed

Here is the evolution of the court:

One of the three dollars Scooter found while doing laundry.

LAUNDRY ROOM – With the economy the pivotal issue in the 2012 election, economic prospects in the Blue House took an unexpected upswing this week when Scooter discovered nearly three dollars in the washing machine. Optimism in the House has expanded.

“It’s a tough world out there right now,” Scooter said. “Unemployment’s high, the national debt is huge, and people are looking for an answer. I’m relieved that I can still find stray bills in the washer. This tells me one thing: it ain’t all that bad.”

The money was found while Scooter transferred clothes to the dryer. When he pulled a wet pair of shorts from the tub, a couple of waded-up bills were wrapped up in the clothing. Afterwards, another dollar revealed itself underneath a pair of blue jeans.

“I was bored,” Scooter said. “Who likes doing laundry? I certainly don’t. But when I reach down for some dripping piece of clothing and come up with a crumpled bit of cash, well, it becomes worth it for once.”

As the laundry cycle continues uninterrupted at the Blue House, one has to wonder if this incident will trigger a greenback-fueled gold rush to the washing machine. Scooter, in a sense, hopes so.

“It means that I wouldn’t have to do laundry anymore,” he said. “Laundry will become like playing the lottery, and I don’t play the lottery. Hence, I won’t do laundry.”

While Scooter’s discovery produced some optimism, the cynics quickly found fault. “What is he planning to do with the money?” one such person asked. “Does he plan to help the less fortunate? I doubt it.”

Scooter, however, likes to view the washer half-full. “I know dollars from the laundry aren’t worth as much as they used to be, but they still mean something. They symbolize the opportunity that hides around every corner. Three near-worthless bills in the wash may be blossom into the first million I ever make.”

A day later, however, Scooter responded to whether he still had the three dollars. “No,” he said, “I don’t.” So, what happened? Did he invest them in the next big thing? Did he use them to progress the next meaningful journey of his life?

“I bought French fries,” he said, “Five Guys French fries. They’re delicious.”

This massive fire was the direct result of a wooden wine rack burning.

BLUE HOUSE — Astronauts aboard the International Space Station witnessed a strange occurrence Saturday night—a large flare of flaming light seemingly sprouted from the Earth. While it appeared as something sinister, the flare was nothing more than the remains of a wooden wine rack burned to ashes as an unlikely sacrifice celebrating M. C. Fox’s twenty-eighth birthday.

The large fire was only one highlight at a gala that became an elegant gathering of the Blue House’s finest. Earlier in the night, a select group of gentlemen gathered around the Kitchen and try a sample of a rare Vietnamese cocktail composed of a golden liquid drowning a cobra eating a scorpion. Fox described the drink, “It tasted like maple syrup.”

The coterie was all night treated with films projected onto the House’s top-notch outdoor screen. Films included such classics as Beerfest and Super Troopers. Most agreed it was better than the Chinese Theater in Hollywood.

“The night,” said Taylor, one of the guests, “in a word, was magical.”

It was so magical, in fact, that once the wine rack was torched in honor of the “Fantastic” Mr. Fox, a flame the size of Mount Rainier shot into the heavens—startling America’s astronauts. Once they learned what the flame was for, they joined in song wishing Fox a happy birthday.

Here lies some of the desolation from the storm that Scooter labelled as "devastating".

BLUE HOUSE — On Tuesday night, two massive systems collided to spawn one of the most terrible thunderstorms to ever strike the Blue House. Strong winds slammed into the area, and a hurricane-like extravaganza erupted with a force unheard of. Thankfully, no one was injured, but the House’s hallowed grounds suffered immensely. Limbs were shattered and thrown from their trees, the trash can was hurled into the yard, and the legendary swing where Fryin’ Brian once roosted was thrown violently into a bush.

“It was devastating,” Scooter said. “What a rush that storm was.”

The tempest was immediately followed by a severe power outage that affected the House for nearly a day. Nothing was visible, and only the silence of a once bustling House remained.

“I could barely see to use the bathroom,” Man-Man said, “and when it’s too dark to poop, you know something ain’t right.”

Scooter recounted his attempt to eat a delicious dinner when the blast arrived: “I was munching on a delicious dish that Nickle prepared, which consisted of salmon, rice, and asparagus. Then the thing hit like a bomb. The storm was everywhere all at once. I thought a tornado was going to strike the House, so I screamed for Nickle and the cats to get downstairs. Of course, no one listened, so I ran down myself. Eventually, it all ended, and, as usual, I looked the idiot—standing in the dark all by my lonesome.”

“I was going to go downstairs too,” Nickle said, “but I didn’t want to be caught unprepared. So, I raced into my room and slipped on tennis shoes. I was the smarter one. Who runs around like an idiot with flip flops on? Coincidently, he (Scooter) had flip flops on.”

Man-Man, however, was content in the garage with his beloved Mazda MX-6. When the power failed, he stood stalwart and continued to restore his masterpiece. When the storm ended and the power refused to return, he enlisted the help of Nickle and Scooter. Nickle held the all-important light, and Scooter used his laptop’s miniscule battery life to serenade the group with soothing music.

“Ain’t no storm going to stop me,” Man-Man said. “Nickle was all right holding the light, and Scooter’s music sucked.”

The group then ascended to the kitchen and played cards by the ambient light of an oil lantern. Each claimed victory in a series of games, but all were winners, for they consumed the warming beer from the refrigerator.

Soon, however, the beer ran scarce, but the House had a proverbial ace up its sleeve. After a scavenger hunt in the downstairs fridge commenced, the trio discovered a trove of beer hidden by the passing years. These beverages were immediately paraded up the stairs in a victory cavalcade.

“It actually turned out quite fun,” Scooter reminisced. “We were forced to be pragmatic, and when that happens, good things happen. I was proud to be a part of it, and mostly, I was proud of the beer.”

The following afternoon, the power returned, and yet, the most unexpected thing occurred. The House experienced sadness. With power came a humdrum return to the everyday. It was even reported that the Blue House itself dripped a drop of blue paint as a symbolical tear.

“I was a little said,” Nickle said. “I wished for another storm, and while they did come, the power remained. It really wasn’t fair. At first the storm was frightening, but then it became a blessing. Oh well. I guess, when the next one comes, I’ll have to throw the breaker to make sure we get the most out of it.”

Mustangs were a common victim of the past week's storms.

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — In the wake of a week of news-making thunderstorms and tornados, citizens local to the House have been sharing their own dramatic storm stories. Strangely, and perhaps expectedly, they all sound eerily similar.

“A tree fell on my neighbor’s car,” one impacted citizen said. “He had pulled it out to clean out his garage when the storm hit. A tree fell flat into the back of it—shattering the windshield. It’s a 1967 Mustang with fully original everything—even the paint.”

Another devastating citizen had a horrifying tale:

“My house ended up fine,” he said, “but my neighbor, boy did he get it bad. A tree fell through his car. It was awful. The car was a fully original something, a Mustang, I think.”

And while it seemed that this storm was only out for classic automobiles, another story came to light:

“That storm was the worst I ever did see,” the citizen said. “A tree crashed right through my neighbor’s house. I felt so bad for him and his family. You know what the kicker was? They called their house ‘Mustang’.”

The exact reason they titled their house this remains a mystery. But the storm was no mystery. The storm was frightful mess. Take, for example, this alarmed person’s story:

“I live on a farm,” she said. “My husband’s a farmer. Imagine that. Anyway, the storm hit our crops badly, but what really irks me the most is that a tree cracked and fell on my favorite horse—killing him instantly. He was a good Mustang.”

So while these stories all end with trees killing Mustangs, one must remember that it is probably a simple law of nature. Mustangs live, and Mustangs die. Let the trees do the rest. This last story is the one that really brought it home.

“I was sitting on my chair drinking my whiskey when the storm came in. My power went out immediately. So, I just sat there and drank my whiskey. The next day, I finally got up and went to the cabinet to get a bag of chips, and would you believe it, as I grabbed the first chip, the power came back on. The chip I held in my hand was the exact shape of…”

It seems any moron could predict where this story was going.

“…Abraham Lincoln,” the man said.

Perhaps, not every moron.

“And then,” the man said, “a tree fell on my brand-new Mustang.”

The verdict is in: all storm stories suck.