Hampton stirs up the water and the balls as he crashes with intensity into the water.

SIDEYARD, Blue House – To put it bluntly: The Blue House has a new pool. After losing last year’s pool in an unthinkable tragedy, the House mustered together the strength to persevere and purchased a new, luxurious pool. “I think it’s an incredible piece of work,” Jeff L. Horner stated. “When you look at the plastic, air and water all combined in a fugue of aquatic bliss, you realize that we here at The Blue House are truly blessed.”

The festivities surrounding the new pool electrified those in attendance. Scooter, Hampton and Wiggs took full advantage of the hot day by showing off some acrobatic wonders that had even former Olympians stunned. The three even filled the pool with circus-style balls that were catapulted through the air at record speeds when one of the three slammed into the water.

“The balls were great,” one observer later added. “To see them shot through space like the heavens above was a sublime pleasure for me.”

Scooter performs a graceful somersault (Scootersault) into the pool.

It appears that the new pool will be a constant fixture at the House throughout the summer. “It’s getting really hot,” Horner said. “A pool just seemed the logical solution to cool everyone down, and as usual, the House didn’t disappoint.” Much more coverage regarding the pool and subsequent events is sure to come, and The Blue House Lives will be there with all the mesmerizing details.

Glenn Beck imitates blowing a vuvuzela, as he bashes the World Cup. This bashing, we cannot endure any longer.

It takes a lot to push this publication over the edge, but Glenn Beck, Fox News’ self-proclaimed prophet, has done it. We’re not very political, unless it comes to doing dishes or the superfluous war between the cats, so it was not Beck’s political lectures that brought us here. It was simply when the Beckerhead declared an unwarranted hatred of the World Cup, and claimed the same for all Americans, that this publication stood up and took notice. If only we took notice at Beck by letting Carlos Tevez kick him in groin.

So, Glenn Beck, let us just say something that has been said by a million well-intentioned people already: you suck. Why you would gallivant around on television insulting not just the sport-loving planet but passionate U.S. soccer fans is clearly beyond us. Actually, why someone would give Beck a television show to spit his absurd mouth poo is also beyond us. Additionally, why millions of people would waste the glorious hour of 5-6 PM to watch him pose as a teacher in his gall-bladder of a studio classroom is, once again, beyond us. It is just safe to say that Glenn Beck is beyond us, beyond us so far that he floats in a festering cosmos of bullshit.

Basically, when you bash the World Cup with your “I love America so much you should be afraid of it” narrowness, you really upset us. And we’re upset, Glenn. We’re crying.

Actually, we’re crying from joy after watching Landon Donovan score a last minute goal against Algeria to send the U.S. to the Round of 16. Come to it, that goal did more for America than anything that Glenn Beck has ever preached. It didn’t frighten us as Mr. Beck attempts to do every single day. That goal simply made us happy and proud to be Americans.

In closing, this publication does not attempt to know everything, but we do know two things: World Cup is awesome, and Glenn Beck is a major douche.

You don't want to end up on Weston's bad side

1. Burn Notice (Starring: Jeffrey Donovan, Gabrielle Anwar, Bruce Campbell, Sharon Gless)

The pilot starts with Micheal Weston in Nigeria surrounded by bad guys, and being told that he’s been burned.  After barely escaping with his life, he jumps on a plane and passes out.  Upon awaking he’s in Miami and he finds out that everything is gone.  None of his contacts will talk to him, and all of his assets are gone.  He’s on every watch list imaginable, and can’t leave.  All he has to fall back on are his trigger happy ex lover Fiona Glennane, and washed up former intelligence offer Sam Axe, who used to rat on him to the FBI.  There’s also Madeline… his mom.  Each episode introduces new (sometimes recurring, though usually not more than a few extra appearances) characters, usually dubbed as “The Client” as well as a villain usually dubbed “Insert whichever insult was just used here”.   Micheal has to figure out who burned him and why, by creating contacts from scratch and trying not to make to many enemies along the way.  It consistently has the ability to make you laugh one second, and be on the edge of your seat the next.  Jeffrey Donovan excels as Micheal Weston the spy with an innate ability to do whatever he needs to do.  Bruce Campbell is just as charming as ever as Micheal’s right hand man, Sam.  Gabrielle Anwar brings the hot girl fix as Fiona who is as dangerous as she is beautiful, and the three of them play off one another like they’ve known each other for ages.  A bit of drama, a bit of comedy, and a lot of action makes Burn Notice easy to jump into, and interesting enough to keep watching.  Currently in it’s 4th season, Burn Notice airs on USA Thursday Nights.

It actually comes on Wednesdays now...

2. Psych (Starring: James Roday, Dulé Hill, Timothy Omundson, Maggie Lawson, Corbin Bernson, Kristen Nelson)

When Shawn Spencer (Roday) was growing up, his father Detective Henry Spencer (Benson) constantly drilled him to hone his senses and prepare him for various circumstances he encountered on his job.  His dream was that one day Shawn would follow in his shoes, however Shawn lacked the drive to complete the school and training to become a detective.  Eventually fate intervenes and hands Shawn the opportunity to use his observational skills to pretend to be a psychic detective.  He enlists his best friend Burton “Gus” Gustor (Hill) as a partner and they for the agency “Psych”.

Roday is delightful as Shawn Spencer, spitting out witty one-liners, obscure pop culture references, and intentionally mispronouncing words for comedic effect as often as actors in other detective shows pause for dramatic effect.  The charisma between Roday’s Spencer and Hill’s Gus is so natural it’s almost as if they have known each other since they were little.  Omundson flows perfectly from super cop, to over eager persecutor, to  lonely divorcée, and back again so often you never know which Lassie you are going to get until about half way through the episode.  Maggie Lawson plays rookie cop detective Juliet O’Hara.  As the show develops she turns into the super cop you expected Lassiter to be as the show began, while maintaining that girl next girl sweetness that makes her irresistible to Shawn.  The true beauty of Psych comes from the ability to create memorable one shot characters to that are almost as memorable as the main cast.  This past season alone had appearances by Jalleel White and Keenan Thompson as part of Gus’s College A Capella group , Cary Elwes as a master theif, Sendhil Ramamurthy as a cursed broadway show producer, Jay Chandrasekhar has his brother/choreographer, and Stacy Kiebler as woman who really enjoys living.

From the incredibly catchy theme song, to witty banter, and varied plot hooks Psych is great show to just jump into.  It may not have the gut wrenching drama of Lost, but after years of yelling at the TV, it’s a very refreshing change of pace.  With the Season premiere set for July 17th, it’s likely you’ll be able to catch up quickly as USA tends to have marathons of the last season as refreshers.

Make it Sparkle

3.  How I Met Your Mother (Starring: Josh Radnor, Cobie Smulders, Alyson Hannigan, Jason Segal, Neil Patrick Harris)

The premise of How I Met Your Mother is simple, Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor, voiced in the future by Bob Sagat) is telling his children of how he met their mother.  Only it’s not just how they met, it’s the events that turned him into the person his mother fell in love with, and that prepared him to love her back.  By the end of season 5 Ted has grown a lot, but we still haven’t met the mother.  I for one couldn’t care less.

The real pull of How I Met Your Mother are the characters.  For starters there is Barney Stinson (Harris), whom through a combination of the” Bro Code” and the “Playbook” has more conquests than he can actually count, is disgustingly rich and totally awesome.  Then there is Robin Scherbovksy (Smulders) former pop star, current news anchor, and likely the most Canadian person you’ll ever see.  She loves long walks on the beach, hockey, and hand guns.  Ted’s best friend Marhall Eriksen (Segal) defines goofy, and paired with Lily Aldrin Eriksen (Hannigan) make the most adorable and socially awkward couple in New York.  Finally there’s Ted Mosby.  Architect.  Visionary.  Failure at love.  He’s so bad, that moving far to fast is now called a Mosby and he has his own website: TedMosbyisajerk.com

Topping off that pile of characters are the amazing journeys that happen at least once a season.  Scouring New York to rediscover the perfect burger.  A five hundred mile journey for crappy pizza.  A trip to Phili to pick up girls.  The best night ever.  The perfect date.  Sand Castles in the Sand.  Barney’s Final Four.  Too many to name.

The show has just been renewed for a sixth (and likely final) season, and odds the wife is coming.   When she does, I’m sure it will be Legend… wait for it… dary.

Scooter and Wiggs sported Dharma Blue House shirts.

BLUE HOUSE – In honor of LOST’s series finale on Sunday night, The Blue House hosted a special farewell party. “It was sad,” Scooter said. “I knew it would be. But I sucked it up, although I have no idea what I’m going to do on Tuesday nights from now on.”

As the evening began, guests enjoyed delicious food prepared by Nickle and a decadent dessert brought over by Striker and Lacey. They then proceeded to take part in LOST quizzes and games.

When the episode aired, aptly titled “The End,” everyone’s eyes were glued to the television. Earlier in the evening, the guests feasted on snacks branded with the Dharma Initiative logo. “We had Dharma soda, Dharma chips and Dharma dip,” Nickle said. Scooter and Wiggs even donned t-shirts that featured a cleverly designed Dharma Blue House logo.

After the big reveal at the end of the episode, which pointed out that flash-sideways timeline was actually an extreme flash-forward to after the survivors’ deaths, everyone was stunned. It appeared that religion played a big role, but Scooter stated that he liked that the writers didn’t hedge everything into one religion. “The stained glass had symbols from all major religions,” he said. “Its diversity closely resembled the cast of the show.

“It was a good ending to one of the best shows ever,” Striker said. Most of the guests concurred. “It was nice to see Boone again,” Scooter said. “That’s one of the hottest girls on the show.”

The scenes preceding the big twist were action-packed and sentimentally-stuffed. Although the literal cork protecting the presumed evil from erupting from The Island’s Source was a bit cheesy, Scooter felt it was necessary. “Eventually,” he said, “the writers were going to have to show the massive amount of energy they promised was under the island. A glowing light seems to be the most efficient way of conveying it.”

The snacks were labelled with Dharma logos, but Scooter honestly claims that they were dropped off early "during a Swan Station Lockdown."

The rest of the guests reveled in the romantic and utter tragic scenes. “Jack’s death,” Nickle said, “was extremely fitting.” She refers to the fact that Jack died exactly where he awoke in the Pilot episode, and his eye closed this time instead of opening.

“I’m going to miss it,” Scooter admitted. “But I’m excited to have a life again. Now, anything’s possible.”

My mouth had officially combusted. The sensation spread down my gullet as I swallowed the meat. How, oh I ask how, could this man in front of me, with his bristly beard already full of Atomic sauce, devour an entire basket of these things."

KNOXVILLE, TN – This is the story of when I witnessed a man eat fire. It was a Tuesday, and the sky looked like slate. Nichole and I had slid into a parking spot in front of Quaker Steak and Lube. We were early.

“Are you going to eat them?” she asked.

“I might try one. I think I kind of have to.” I said.

A few minutes later, a silver-bullet of a car cruised into the parking lot and stopped next to us. It was Fryin’ Brian making what, to him, was a weekly pilgrimage. There’s something about Brian that any time as he enters any scene, it seems entirely appropriate to play some old static-laced Hank Williams song; “Honky Tonkin’” should about do it. Brian lumbered up, and the three of us entering what is commonly known as “The Lube.”

“Ready to eat some hot wings?” I asked Brian.

“Do it every damn week,” he said. “This ain’t nothing.”

“I take it you getting the Atomics?”

“I get ‘em every time, and they’re good. They go down like candy.”

I was still wrestling with the idea of trying the Atomic Wings. They are so spicy that The Lube once had patrons sign a contract that cleared the establishment of all post-wing responsibility. So, as I understood it, these wings could kill me, and my little speck of a life could reach its climax on the floor of a place called The Lube.

The waiter approached. Brian ordered the sacred Atomics. Nichole ordered Asian style, and I, characteristically, wimped out and ordered plain hot wings. I could already see the indelible headline: “Scooter Cowardly Orders Hot (Wimpy) Wings. Atomics laugh heartily.”

“You can try a piece of mine, brother,” Brian said. I should have felt relief, but even this mild consolation startled me. I began to wonder whimsical things, like how cushiony the carpet was at The Lube or how it long it would take the paramedics to respond.

I drank a beer. Nichole sipped one. Brian drank two. Was he numbing his taste buds? Was that the key to Atomic Wing success? Should I too drink excessively, or would that only speed-up my post-Atomic demise?

The Wings arrived at our table, but I swore I could catch their fumes as they cleared the kitchen door. Their scent was stinging, almost suffocating. It felt like a hornet had flown up my nose and instantly crapped out acid. Brian basically licked his chops. Without any notice at all, he sunk his teeth into that juicy inferno.

“Just like candy,” he said.

“I can smell them from here,” I said.

Nichole held her nose.

“They smell good,” he said. “You should try ‘em.”

I nodded slightly and bit into one of my wings. It tasted as I expected it to taste: mild. I was coward; I knew that for sure. In the world of manly excursions, eating the hottest wings is a sure-fire way to rise to the top of masculinity, and by humbly munching on tame wings, I provided too much evidence that my estrogen level was high.

“My wings are pretty good,” Nichole said. Of course they were; they were tamest of all.

There was only one sensible thing for me to do. I had to try the Atomic Wings. “Cut me off a little piece,” I said.

“These are the hottest wings in town,” said Brian. I thanked him for his bedside manner, and with my fork, I snagged a small piece of chicken from his basket.

I was definitely hesitant, as I smelled the piece of meat until my nostrils hurt. I then decided to compromise and dip the meat into my ramekin of ranch dressing. Actually, dip might be an understatement. The correct description would be that I drenched the meat in ranch until there wasn’t even a section of it visible.

“Chicken shit,” Brian said. “The ranch dulls it.”

“I know,” I said.

Here was the moment. I glanced at Nichole in a subtle attempt to say farewell. I would have said farewell to Brian as well, but I secretly blamed him for convincing me to try such a thing. I shoved the meat into my mouth and chewed until the ranch wore off. Sensation: that’s the best way to describe it. It spread like spicy cancer through my mouth, and I tried to chew faster. I let out a sound, although I don’t remember what it was. Something like “Whew.” Brian snickered. My mouth had officially combusted. The sensation spread down my gullet as I swallowed the meat. How, oh I ask how, could this man in front of me, with his bristly beard already full of Atomic sauce, devour an entire basket of these things. He didn’t use ranch. He used nothing. He just took bite after bite with the look of a famished lion. He enjoyed them. I bet he would have eaten burning coals if I would have asked him.

“How’d you like it?” he asked.

“I hate you,” I said.

“This ain’t nothing,” he said. “These are only 150,000 Scoville units. There’s some in Chicago that are 560,000. I want to try those.” I should explain to the reader that a Scoville heat unit is a measurement of a food’s spice. It measures the presence of capsaicin, the active ingredient in chili peppers. Basically, Brian wanted to eat lava.

“You think you could finish a whole basket?”

“I’d damn sure try.”

I swigged my beer and went back to my regular (tame) hot wings. Interestingly, they weigh in at 3,000 Scoville units, which seemed a lot to me, but when compared to the mini-Mount St. Helens in Brian’s basket, I guess I should consider them about as spicy as a banana.

The rest of the meal passed as uneventfully as any meal does. My mouth still burned, and I feared what might happen when that little piece of chicken fully digested. I imagined that I would make the bathroom my monkish cell, as the wrath of God erupted from my ass.

Nonetheless, I had tried the suitably-named Atomic Wings. Brian ate a basket of them. I had a mere speck. And, if anyone cares to know, Nichole’s Asian wings were probably the best ones there.

Hughett, complete with music and million-dollar smile, thoroughly entertained the crowd at the Blue House Baseball Zone.

BH BASEBALL ZONE, KNOXVILLE, TN – Last night, Charleston Windjammers all-star second baseman Josh Hughett played to a packed house at the Blue House Baseball Zone, the new sports bar endeavor by Blue House Baseball. As the bar has been trying to attract acts for its opening week, officials discovered that Hughett has a largely untapped musical gift. He displayed those skills in a sublime performance that showcased his somewhat folksy sound.

“He was really impressive,” Jeff L. Horner, owner of the Virginia Opossums, stated. “I had no idea he could do anything but tear up the league at shortstop, and look at him; he’s now tearing up the stage.” Horner went on to state that Hughett would definitely be the highlight of the bar’s opening week festivities.

The crowd easily shared Horner’s sentiment. When he arrived on stage, he received a considerable pop, and as he cranked out song after song, the crowd warmed to him at a volcanic rate. It was not just Charleston fans that cheered either, for the crowd was littered with ball caps that displayed multiple team logos.

“I thought he was great,” on fan who sported a Montreal Flatliners cap said. “And I sure as hell don’t like Charleston.” Other fans voiced their positive opinions as well. From Hawai’i to Manchester, people agree that Hughett has rare talent. Even the tough fans seemed to let Hughett into their heart. “I guess he wasn’t bad,” Striker, the owner of the Boulder Bunions said. “If he could play ball like he does music, maybe the Windjammers could get out of last place.”

If things go differently on the diamond for Hughett, it appears that he could easily quit his day job.

Here is a small sample of the show:

An eager crowd witnessed the first ever Blue House awards show.

THE PALACE AT BLUE HOUSE CENTRAL – Last night, at a star-studded event, The Blue House Lives held its first annual awards banquet. While many nominees hoped to gain glory, only a few were honored as the very best from the past year.

The show itself was regarded as “quite the experience” by many attendees. The musical performances were top-notch, as they included the odd mix of Blue Scholars, Looking Glass and others. The acceptance speeches were especially moving. Perhaps, Ninja, however, delivered the most controversial one as he plugged his own pursuit of the “Ninja Empire” after being awarded the Kitty of the Year honor.

The most controversial victory was, without a doubt, Nichole’s win as Person of the Year. Many experts claim that a West Coast bias on the voting panel granted the Seattle native the triumph. Jeff L. Horner, the chief awards show commentator, stated, “Nichole’s win definitely raises an eyebrow. I originally predicted Brosnan to win the award, but Nichole has been a jolting impact on The House over the past few months. So her win wasn’t an overwhelming surprise.”

Overall, the show has been labeled a moderate success, as it has aroused attention to The House and the publication. Now, everyone will be watching to see who garners the nominations for next year’s show.

Here is a rundown of the nominations and winners. Winners are in bold.

Video of the Year:

“The Bathroom Entertainment Center” (TIE)

“The Bi-Lo Experience”

“The Milk Thief”

“Bones in “This is Bullshit””

“Dreams Drown as Pool Drains” (TIE)

“A Tribute to Frank”

Storyline of the Year:

Kitty Konflict

“No Washington”

M.C. Fox

Amazon War

Health Care Crisis

Porch Rider of the Year:

Fryin’ Brian

Little Brian

Lionelle

Icehouse Can

Amazon Package

Video Game Anger of the Year:

Dhizzy

Caudle

Scooter

Celebrity of the Year:

Pierce Brosnan

Bill Paxton

Jeff Goldblum

Kitchen Score of the Year:

“Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull

Dhizzy’s iPod Mix

Whistling of “Theme from Jurassic Park”

Scooter’s Classical Ambiance

Awesome Film of the Year:

Rush Hour

Rush Hour 2

Rush Hour 3

Guest Appearance of the Year:

Striker

Couch Surfer

John

Ricky/FIN

Winner of the World

Stray Dogs

Beer of the Year:

Icehouse

Resurrection

Corona

Michelob Lime Cactus

Coors Light

Schlitz

Beverage of the Year:

Milk

Vanilla Chai Tea

Coffee

Jim Beam and Dr. Pepper

Water

Kitty of the Year:

Lionelle

Ninja

U.S. President of the Year:

George W. Bush

Thomas Jefferson

Abraham Lincoln

Barack Obama

William Henry Harrison

Person of the Year:

M.C. Fox

Leelee

Bill Paxton

Nichole

Pierce Brosnan

Bones

Champion: Kentucky

Click Image to Enlarge

Champion: Kansas

Click Image to Enlarge

Champion: Washington

Click Image to Enlarge

Champion: Kentucky

Click Image to Enlarge.

The Awards Show promises to outshine all other awards show, but sadly, the event is closed to the prying public.

THE PALACE AT BLUE HOUSE CENTRAL – On Sunday, The Blue House Lives holds its first annual year-end awards banquet. Many of the nominees, and some of the winners, have been known now for some time, but the event promises to be one of mythic proportions. A rampart collection of Blue House notables will be in attendance as they gather to honor each other’s achievements. However, most will stand tall and pay homage to this humble publication, through which they have been given a voice for the past months.

The venue for the event will be the newly-constructed (and only recently imagined) Palace at Blue House Central. Sadly, the event will be closed to the public as the aforementioned Palace is conspicuously hidden from plain sight. Jeff L. Horner, longtime friend of our esoteric editor, stated regarding the venue, “The place was constructed so that only those worth of The Blue House can find it.”

When asked exactly what is going to be celebrated by the awards show, Horner went on to say, “The show is, essentially, a celebration of America. That’s all we care about. That’s all we ever cared about. It’s America that makes this possible. In fact, we are opening the show with a live performance of Copland’s Hoedown played on the vintage synthesizer.” With that promise, the awards show may go on to set a standard that may never be surpassed.

Here is a brief rundown of the major award categories and their nominees:

“The Bathroom Entertainment Center”

“The Bi-Lo Experience”

“The Milk Thief”

“Bones in “This is Bullshit””

“Dreams Drown as Pool Drains”

“A Tribute to Frank”

Kitty Konflict

“No Washington”

M.C. Fox

Amazon War

Health Care Crisis

Fryin’ Brian

Little Brian

Lionelle

Icehouse Can

Amazon Package

Caudle

Scooter

Pierce Brosnan

Bill Paxton

Jeff Goldblum

“Hotel Room Service” by Pitbull

Dhizzy’s iPod Mix

Whistling of “Theme from Jurassic Park”

Scooter’s Classical Ambiance

Rush Hour

Rush Hour 2

Rush Hour 3

Striker

Couch Surfer

John

Ricky/FIN

Winner of the World

Stray Dogs

Icehouse

Resurrection

Corona

Michelob Lime Cactus

Coors Light

Schlitz

Milk

Vanilla Chai Tea

Coffee

Jim Beam and Dr. Pepper

Water

Lionelle

Ninja

George W. Bush

Thomas Jefferson

Abraham Lincoln

Barack Obama

William Henry Harrison

M.C. Fox

Leelee

Bill Paxton

Nichole

Pierce Brosnan

Bones

These glasses have changes everyone's perspective of The Blue House.

In celebration of James Cameron’s Avatar this week in theaters, The Blue House has hit a three-dimensional craze. Littered all around the various rooms are countless pairs of Real D 3D glasses. “When you put them on,” M.C. Fox said, “The House really looks 3D. It’s a new way to see things.”

Scientists are currently evaluating the matter. They are trying to determine whether the glasses actually make any difference in a house that was widely considered to be three-dimensional before the glasses’ introduction. Jeff L. Horner, The Blue House Lives’s senior scientific advisor, has a different theory. “After wearing the glasses for a bit,” he said, “I really wonder if The Blue House was ever 3D at all.” Many others are also beginning to believe that The House was essentially two-dimensional before the glasses.

The glasses themselves were obtained surreptitiously following a screening of Avatar attended by Blue House residents. “The glasses were needed,” Nichole, the newest member of The House’s residency, said. “The film looked so amazing while wearing them, we all had to know if The House could look just as appealing.” When asked whether it did look as amazing, Nichole responded with a simple “of course it did”.

“This is a really interesting case,” Gavin McDouche, the chairman of the World Dimension Committee, said in a statement issued earlier today. “The Blue House’s claim that they have been living, until the donning of the glasses, in a two-dimensional world makes me speculate how many other renowned houses are living in 2D environments.”

Many experts believe that, prior to the glasses, The Blue House looked something like this.

Supportive pundits of The House claim that the discovery of a Blue House three-dimensional realm could be extensively beneficial. “There have been some memorable moments at that house,” one pundit recently said. “Imagine for a second if those moments had been witnessed in 3D. All anyone has ever observed is a mere façade of a memory, but with the introduction of an extra dimension, the moments will be etched in the brain as the Lord God himself intended them to be.”

With the exciting experiences transpiring daily in the tumultuous House, the discovery of an extra-dimensional world will no doubt enhance everyone’s perspectives of , the meanings, and The House’s unyielding purpose. The Blue House Lives will only sit back and look and record the transactions in whatever dimension they present themselves.