My advice is greatest in all the land!

If you have any inquiries that I can help with, send me a letter here.

And as always remember to CONQUER!.

September 3, 2009

Oh Mighty Conquerer.

I am in quite a pickle. There is a terrible publication on the Internet that I cannot help but read on a regular basis. I have tried many times to resist, but my vices overcome me. What should I do to eliminate my obsession with this sorry excuse for Web-based News?? Please help…my wife is becoming irritated with me.

P.S. I will translate to Spanish so you may understand…you know, ’cause you’re foreign and everything.

–Addicted in Texas

Aye Conquistador Poderoso,

Estoy en una trampa. Hay una publicación horrible que está en el Internet y tengo que leerlo todos los dias. He tratado de eliminarlo, pero no hay resultas buenas. Que puedo hacer para eliminar mi obsesion con este periódico?? Ayuda me por favor…mi esposa se molesto mucho.

P.S. Voy a traducirlo para que entienda…tu sabes, por que eres extranjero y todo.

–Adictado en Texas

Dearest Addicted,

The first thing you must do is stop speaking Spanish. It is the language of peasants…and I eat peasants. Secondly, you should look in your pants. If you see balls, then you are a man. Which means…you conquer your wife. She must not tell you what bad sites to look out. If you want to look at bad sites all day, then you will look. If she questions, you strike her down with a club and feast on her conquered loins.

But I see that you are here talking to me. Therefore, you are not on a bad sitour e. You are on the emperor of all web-based news sites. We do what you should do with your little wife: CONQUER!!!

P.S. If you happen to look in your pants and not find balls, then you must hit yourself with the club. Khan does not put up with nancy boys. You are like Muscovy to me: pansy little men who have no hair on their chest and become dependent on Khan and Golden Horde. And, finally, CONQUER!!!!

Manliest Yours,
Khan

August 14, 2009

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Dearest Khan,

I am lost. Spiritually, Physically, and Mentally, i don’t know what or where i am heading towards. Sgt. Peebles has informed me that the Army is the way to straighten all that out. To put it frankly, I’m being a pussy and a bitch. I’m afriad, but mostly about my own shortcomings. Can i do it? Will i do it? What if…..  Sgt Peebles has been more than influential toward getting me onto that path. His support has been awesome, but i still hesitate. Do i really want to go down that path and give up my freedoms if only temporarily?

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Procrastinatingly yours,

Anonymous

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Well first off, as much as i hate to admit this, Sgt. Peebles is correct. Secondly, you are a ” pussy and a bitch.” Thirdly, don’t do it. I know that’s not what you wanted or expected to hear, but tough. That’s my answer, and if you disobey my wishes, i will hunt you down and …..

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Guaranteed to keep my word,

Genghis U. Khan

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We, at BHL, apologize for Khan’s response. We could not allow the rest of his reply to be printed. It is our understanding that he does not like competition ( in case you didn’t notice). He might quite literally quit you for mentioning the military as it is the reason he conquered so well. It should be noted that he too was a lost young man once. Only interested in art. (Is it odd that Hitler was the same way? we think not.)

Anywho, what we suggest is that you do something you normally wouldn’t. Wether, getting into a fight, talking to that beautiful stranger, or joining the military, just go for it. You will only hate yourself later if you don’t do anything.

- Staff

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August 13, 2009

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kay peoples, i know i have conquered most of yous. so you’re life is perfect and wonderful. I am aware, self aware of all you ladies wanting a little K-dhong. The rest of yous, what is your problems? Are you afraid, I, Genghis Khan will deny more Liberty’s. I will not even think about it…. Send me some questions, or i will be forced to retire. I will not beg or gravel… please…… conquer……

Sincerely,

Khan

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August 6, 2009

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So…. The way Khan understands the world….. is…..

There are only three people whom i have not Conquered….

Damn them… Where are they hiding……

Ieeeee…. Wiillllll…. NOT…. beeeee….. Denied!

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July 31, 2009

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To whom it may concern,

My husband has been away at work for months now. I miss him so much. We only get to talk once a week. He tells me he loves so me many more times each phone call than he did in the previous months combined when he was home. I noticed recently that he had something like 50+ female friends on Myspace, and 100+ on Facebook. I am worried that he will make a mistake and stray away from me. When we are together I don’t worry, it’s just all the time spent away that tears me up inside. I want to trust him, but like every woman, I have my reservations. What do you think i should do?

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There is only one person you should worry about, yourself. Your man will have enough to think about with his profession if it’s as engrossing as you may think. If you randomly sent him a nice photo or provocative letter I’m sure he would be forever grateful. Hope is one of the best tools available to a people. You may just give him the motivation to succeed at his endevors.

Conqueringly,

Khan

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July 25, 2009

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Dearest BHL,

I”ve been feeling a little guilty lately. I recently called out of work after being late because i was sick. this is where i am conflicted. I wasn’t sick, i had been out drinking the night before and had blown off a co-worker for hand out with this chick i met a couple weeks ago. The more i think about her…. The more i think about the situation, the more trouble i realize i may be in. The person that will have to cover my shift is the same person that i was suppose to meet up with. I knew they needed today off, but subconsciously i must not have cared. Now that same person is missing a nieces 6th birthday party and working my shift. Should i tell a massive lie or should i confess the whole truth and face my fate? what if i only told a little white lie. Do you think that would be acceptable?

Thanks,

Wilbur

P.S. Thanks to  my absence, i am now second in flight.

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First of all, change your name to Conquer and i may consider not pillaging your hometown. Second of all, what is this flying you speak of? Third of all, hahaha, second is always the most obscure, hahaha.

Sincerely,

Khan

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July 23, 2009

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My girlfriend and i keep getting into fights over nothing it seems. The other day, for instance, she asked me if i wanted green or red peppers in my salad. I replied “whatever”. A few hours later, after we made love and i mentioned that i wanted to spice things up a bit next time. She slapped me and yelled “oh, are my red and green peppers not enough for you now! You couldn’t even say thank you? Why are you so mean to me? Am i too fat?” Then she stormed out of the room crying when i didnt know what to say. What the hell does all that even mean? Plus i almost always thank her for dinner and desert!

Jo Nevryman

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Khan says: why you being like little woman…. just sit down shut up and do as i do…. CONQUER!

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