Bacon, More Bacon, and Angel’s Dung
BLUE HOUSE ‒ Heart disease is described as the leading cause of death for adults in the U.S. besides New Jersey (which kills by just pure existence). Heart disease is slated to remain the number one cause of death until someone commits suicide in a Twilight movie.
On Super Bowl Sunday night, the Blue House decided to add to the statistics with a party dedicated strictly to bacon and bacon paraphernalia. The foods included bacon wrapped sausages, bacon cheesecake, bacon and spinach stuffed mushrooms, bacon vodka, and just plain, delicious bacon strips. Combined with Fryin’ Brian’s cherished cheese dip, multiple heart failures seemed destined to strike all attendees.
The party took place as the Green Bay Packers edged the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV. Bacon was everywhere. One guest, Taylor, even brought a woven bacon superhero to be dedicated as the party’s mascot. The scent of bacon wafted through the air so much that the House could have been confused with an overweight fitness complex. “It was intense,” one guest said. “But, for the first time, I felt like a natural human. Humans and bacon, it’s a natural connection.”
Scooter, already a renowned bacon aficionado, remarked joyously at the party, “Take that Obamacare. With all the coronaries we’re creating, we might single-handedly drain the treasury.” He went on to say that Congress would definitely “repeal the bill”, for the House’s cholesterol levels rose quicker and higher than Glenn Beck’s television ratings (which is also harmful to the health).
Arguably the highlight of the bacon experience was the platter of chocolate covered bacon, more popularly known as angel dung. One bite of the delicacy caused a swell in spirits and one collective praise: “Angel dung is delicious.” The dish was prepared by Nickle, and overall, she was surprised at the result. She was even more surprised when Scooter entered the restroom and attempted to “poop the bacon back out to eat again”. Scooter lurched out of the bathroom crestfallen and said, “Angel poo is better than human poo.” The party agreed. If angels don’t eat their own feces, they should.
With chocolate covered bacon and Scooter’s exploits, it is proven true that heavenly dung tastes better than earthly waste (somehow New Jersey keeps coming back up).